Hmmm...

This pretty sums up what I feel...yeah...

Scream Club's "On My Mind"
it's 5 am i'm wide awake and feelin' dumb
waitin' for a phone call that ain't gonna come
and i'm tryin' to make sense of time we spent
i'm clueless waitin' for you to give me the hint
how we went from being what i thought was connected
it is hard for me not to put it in perspective
i never required you to make a choice
but i wanted you to be excited by the sound of my voice
and somewhere along the line i became a burden
how and why exactly it happened i'm not certain
if for better or for worse
wrong or right
that i know is i am thinking of you day and night
i can't quite understand why you ignore me
do you just not feel good enough for me
or was i just a distraction from your everyday doin's
and you started feelin' bad when i was catchin' feelings
did you think it was easier just to end
than to tell me that you only want to just be friends
it's a shame you couldn't show me just a little respect
cause now i'm already done with you and onto the next

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

i believe in breathing deep
no defeat
not enough sleep
i keep my feelings mostly to myself
except in times when i need help
i hesitate to let you in
even though i know you want to be friends
i can't begin to make amends
with my fears inside
they make me spin
in the wrong direction
am i only projecting?
should i instead be looking at my own reflection?
i reject the notion of being boring
i seek the adventures that leave me scoring
in the morning, through the day, and back into the night
but i'm still trying for the person who treats me right
you're out of sight, but not out of mind
what was the reason for the two of us to find each other
in this town full of everyone else's lovers
i know i fucked up, that's plain to see
but let me know if there's a second chance for me 'cause

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

(tender forever speaks french)

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

AfterEllen

How I love thee...Let me count the ways:

1. You are not blocked at work. Therefore, you keep me from being insane/bored at HELL.
2. You have awesomely intelligent and thought provoking articles/threads.
3. Oh the ladies...hot, smart, funny, sweet ladies... ;) including but not limited to: Winterskiss, Frosch, Ms. O, pumkin, Cammy, RubberDucky, Jenn, Bridget, Lindsey, Sara, purrito, EJ, GI, PA, Strict, Smith, Rad, T&T, Kimmmayyyyy!, Lizzie, AJ, Swandive, skytops, Krystal, Ikke, FYE, and Fifi. You all, especially some of you, have for the first time in my life, given me a real community of strong women. I am truly blessed to know all of you in some compacity. I know that is hard to do, to really know people online, but I feel like you have all seen the real me which I don't always show people in real life, and that I'm alright just the way I am. I hope you have felt like you could always show your real self to me. I am forever grateful for stumbling upon this awesome group of women. May all of you have love, happiness, and friendship in your life now and always! :)

Lust speaking tonight...

I am always a hopeless romantic, but I've been finding myself more bitter and quite honestly more horny lately. So, with these two combined, I've been feeling more inclined to have a no-strings attached, one-night stand. I don't even know where to begin to get into one of those situations. I mean I have trouble enough meeting ladies to talk to let alone take back to my place. Do you just go up to a woman and dance with her and be like "want to go back to my place and have a fuck?" Ugh...I have no idea. Seriously, I may seem like a player with all the smooth moves online, but I am truly a novice with the ladies in real life. Well, I should go to bed before I do something I regret in the morning.

Food For Thought: Hate, Ignorance, and Fear

Hate is caused by fear and ignorance.

They say that ignorance is bliss. I disagree. Your ignorance is

not my bliss. You ignore my rights of life, liberty, and

pursuit of happiness. More importantly, you ignore my very

existence. You ignore my choice to marry the one I love just

because she is of the same sex as me. You ignore me and my

representation on television. You ignore me and my voice on the

news. And, if you do show me and others like me, you show us as

stereotypes, as comedic relief.

Well, guess what? I am here. And, there are millions of others

like me. We are your neighbors, your friends, and your family.

We work at your jobs. We pay taxes like you. We live and die

for this country, all the while being forced out of fear or

other reasons to stay hidden.

But you are fearful, too. Afraid that we will ruin your

marriage. I am not asking to be married in your church. I am

asking for the same rights as you. You are afraid that I will

corrupt your family and children. I am not a pedophile. I

worked for over two years with the children of broken families

that were ruined just fine without me. You are afraid of our

"agenda". We don't have an agenda other than to be treated the

same. We are not wanting "special" rights nor extra rights. We

want the same rights as you. We are not second-class citizens.

Don't fear us. Please educate yourselves. And, then you can stop

the hate.

Because at the end of the day, don't we all look at the same

moon? Don't we all tuck our children in? Don't we all love?

Aren't we all human?

I am

I am.
I am your daughter.
I am your grand-daughter.
I am your niece.
I am your cousin.
I am your sister.
I am your neighbor.
I am your friend.
I am your employee.
I am a Christain.
I am a citizen.
I am an Oregonian.
I am an American.
I may be a lesbian,
but I am also a human.
I just am.

A Connection

A Connection


You see into the depths of my soul,
making me feel like a newborn foal.
I tell you things that nobody knows,
melting away years of cold winter snows.
You make me laugh and cry out in joy,
I feel like a kid with a new Christmas toy.
I feel this real connection with you.
Is this something I've waited for? Is it true?
How can this be? Why do I feel this way?
What do you feel? And, Will you stay?

I see leaves!

The revolution is beginning today. Stay tuned for more information.

Bittersweetness...

Today was bittersweet.

So the American election was today, and Obama won! Woot!

However, today reminded me how long large scale societal changes really take. Brown V. the Board of Education was in 1954, but we are just now getting our first African American president in 2008.

A further and more personal reminder is the 4 state ballot measures across the country dealing with LGBQT Rights, including Prop. 8 in California and Prop. 2 in Florida. So literally, from sea to shining sea, we, as queer people, do not have the same rights as straight people. We cannot choose to marry another consenting adult as well as adopt a child with our partner, just on the basis of them being of the same-sex. We are not considered equal; we are treated as second class citizens.

Ironically enough, also this week, I learned that my favorite show, Grey's Anatomy, fired unexpectedly the incredibly talented actress Brooke Smith from her role as Dr. Erica Hahn. Now, usually this wouldn't upset and anger me so much, as it is just a television show. However, this was the only positive semi-realistic portrayal of a lesbians on primetime network television. And, although queers as a whole only represent about 10% of the total population in the US, 0% representation in the media does not equal 10%.

On top of this, this is not the first time ABC/Disney has done something like this in terms of showing and promoting gay stereotypes and furthering homophobic practices and ideas. Trust me, I wanted to quit my job, because I was that livid about this. And, if you know me at all, I must think something is pretty unjust for me to risk my job for.

All of these things, in addition to other examples, have really opened my eyes to what a close-minded and hateful society we still live in 2008. I don't want to have to wait another 100 years before queers get the same God-given rights not only here but all over the world. We all deserve the rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of regression as opposed to progression. I'm tired of lies. I'm ready for a change- a real change. Let's be the revolution today!

the 5 w's and h

who will love me for me?
what is keeping me here?
where am i supposed to be instead?
when will i change myself for the better?
why are we so afraid of living?
how do we go from here to there whilst remembering the 5 w's and h?

Between Friends

I'm working on a novel. Here's what I have done so far.

Between Friends

People say that you are not a true Oregonian unless you can travel through its rain without an umbrella. It was only December, though, and Sammie was already growing weary of the almost constant downpour. Sammie was a petite yet round young woman in her early twenties. Her long, wavy brown hair had bits of red in it, letting others remember that she could sometimes be emotional. A hopeless romantic at heart, Sammie's bedroom walls were plastered with posters of John Cusack movies, photographs of Paris, and prints of the Impressionist masters. Sammie wanted everything in her life to be beautiful and peaceful. This led her three best friends to label her as the eternal optimist of the group, because she always expected goodness, like hers, in others. This cold, rainy Monday morning Sammie was on her way to meet her friends for lunch at a neighborhood sandwich shop.

Quietly, Sammie entered the busy shop, heading towards their usual spot in the corner booth. The booth gave the group much more privacy than the rest of the shop allowed. Sammie chuckled to herself as she saw Amber was already there, enthralled by a new book. Amber worked in the financial district so she was always on time, even a little early, for everything. Amber was the shortest of the group with light brown hair which was almost always pulled back in a tight ponytail. Unlike Sammie, Amber was more logical and more often than not followed her head rather than her heart. Amber could seem a bit cold at times to those who did not know her well, but she was just addressing the situation at hand. The only decision Amber could make consistently was that she would change her mind.

It wasn't until Sammie sat down in the booth that Amber tore her eyes away from her treasure. “Hey Amber! How are you?” asked Sammie.

Amber just rolled her eyes in a half annoyed and half teasing way. “I'm doing alright. How about yourself?”

Sammie stuck out her tongue. “The usual. Work is going well. I just wish I would finally get a raise,” Sammie complained. It had been over a year since she had gotten her last one, and that had been after she had worked at the daycare for a year and half first. It's not that Sammie didn't enjoy her job at the daycare. Actually, this was the most fulfilling job that Sammie had ever had. But, this job didn't really pay enough to pay the bills always. Sometimes, she even found that it was not worth all the extra stress and effort she had to put into it.

“You really should look into finding something else. Something that pays better, Sammie,” Amber said concerned.

“I know,” Sammie sheepishly said, shrugging her shoulders.

“Hi you two!” yelped Helen. At 5'10”, Helen was the tallest of the group with green eyes and long red hair. She worked testing computer games. Like most things in her life, this job was something that Helen was naturally good at and just kind of fell into her lap. Helen was like the mother hen of the group. “How are you dearies doing?”

“Good,” they both chimed. Sammie just gave a dorky grin, while Amber rolled her eyes.

“You know, Amber, if you roll your eyes any farther back I think you could see me,” chimed in Tonie. Tonie was the philosopher of the gang, being able to at the same time look at and understand both sides of an argument. The others considered Tonie the moral compass. Tonie was average height for a woman with short, blond hair. She was fit and athletic from the years she played soccer.

Tonie's comment made Sammie and Helen laugh, while Amber just crossed her arms. “Hey, I was only kidding,” defended Tonie. With that, Amber uncrossed her arms and scooted over to make room for Tonie to sit down. “Now that's better. Ugh. I'm so glad it's Friday finally.”
“We are, too,” agreed the three others. Friday nights were the girls' nights together. These nights began with drinks at the Rush, a local club notorious for their strong drinks and attractive patrons. After a few drinks, the girls would head over to one of their places to watch movies, eat greasy delivery pizza, and catch up with each other.

And, this week was no different. The girls got right into the club since they were regulars. Plus, Tonie had briefly dated the handsome bouncer, Mark. They had only been together for a few months, but Tonie broke it off once Mark got too attached. Mark believed that he could “win” back Tonie by letting her and her pals go ahead of the other club goers. Mark looked at Tonie and gave her a little grin.

“Tonie, you really should put him out of his misery,” said Amber.

“Yeah, he looks like a little, cute puppy,” giggled Sammie.

“And, loose our awesome 'skip the long ass line' ticket?” asked Tonie. “No way.”

“Yeah. You're totally right,” they all said together, stifling laughter as they passed Mark.