Night Terrors...

For the past two weeks or so, I have been having trouble falling asleep. And, when I do finally fall asleep, I've been tending to have night terrors. Horrible dreams of death and destruction. I think a lot of it has been due to the stress of my waking life dealing with my friend with cancer and financial/work issues. Last night it was especially bad. I went to bed about 11pm and couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am. This morning, just my luck, I had to be up early at like 7:30am.

Well, I woke up at 7am to the sun shining through my blinds. This has been the first time in awhile that a) I've been up this early b) The sun woke me up c) The sun has actually been out. I hope that this is a sign that times will start to look up for me. The following poem is an expression of what it has been like for me lately, with part of it mentally written at 1:30am this morning.

Night Terrors

The whirling wind wildly whips
against the clear and crisp
black abyss of the sky,
which envelops itself around
the old wise trees.
These trees outstretch their limbs
looking for any sort of comfort.
A storm suddenly enters the dark, long night
ruining the solace the trees seek.
The wind grows angry,
howling now over and under
the weakened branches.
Rain drips down my window pane,
bringing the torture outside to me.
My tears begin to stream
down
my face,
staining my freshly white sheets.
I lie there as the turmoil
is released slowly in silent screaming.
Many nights have passed or so it seems.
The clock strikes two with a clank,
and still I cannot find relief.
I wonder if this all torments you as much as me.
Or are you finally sleeping and slumbering tonight?
Dawn breaks, the clouds dissipate,
and the rain on my pillow dries
as I drift off, swollen and beaten
to the only place that is safe,
dreaming
of
you.

The Dead of Winter

Winter is associated with cold and darkness. During winter, plants die, birds fly south, and bears hibernate. However, when Spring rolls around things literally burst and bloom back to life. Like Nature, human lives are often times intertwined with the symbolism of Winter and Spring.

My life lately has truly seen this. In early November, my 96 year-old great-grandmother Lillian passed away after a long,hard body and mind destroying battle with Alzheimer's and, as we later found out, cancer. Just a few weeks later, my 18 year-old cousin Jenny announced to her family, which worked its way through the grapevine, that she is pregnant. So within a month, my family has gone from death to life, sadness to happiness.

My job cut my hours down, which has given me some additional financial hardships. But, also, it gave me the opportunity to go home and be with my family for Christmas. Surprisingly, Christmas was normal. For once, my family (specifically my parents) and I did not fight about my sexuality. Although I believe it has more to do with a "don't ask, don't tell" denial mentality rather than actual acceptance, it nonetheless, was nice to be a part of the family again.

My friendships with some of my closest friends have seemingly ceased to exist because of romantic relationships, distance, and just generally a change in life priorities. At the same time, though, there has been greater closeness with some people from work and other places.

So, it seems that like me, maybe humanity as a whole works this way. Maybe we need the hard, lonely, sad, dark, and utterly depressing times to get to and appreciate the easy, joyful, loving, light, and happy things in life. I mean, what would be
the point of life otherwise? Some things I think are random and don't happen because of any reasoning. But, aren't some things fated? Destined? Planned?

Then again, why do bad things happen to good people? Why children die before their parents? Why does someone who never smoked a day in their life get lung cancer? Why do people who commit tax fraud and swindle millions upon millions out of their employees get a slap on the wrist, while the same swindled employees get hard time in jail for stealing for their families? Why are good, loving people alone and single? Why?

Perhaps, there are no answers. People are born. die. get cancer. don't get sick. laugh. cry. rich. poor. loved. unloved. People just are.

However, a part of me, the optimistic in me, sometimes wishes life was more like one of those choose your own adventure books. I feel like I've made some incredible mistakes in my past and if I could I would go back and change things. But, then I remember, my mistakes, my lonely Winter, makes me stronger and brings me to that Spring, that glorious Spring, full of child-like wonder and love. So, I just need to remind myself, that I am worth it; I will get through this Winter (with money worries, family issues, and a sad heart) to my Spring. It is out there waiting for me!

So, what do you think? Are you currently in your Winter? or Spring? comments? questions? Leave 'em below! :)

What I want

Because I can only think about me right now, I want these things. I want to go home and play in the snow. I want to be able to find another job and pay off bills. I want her. I want to see her. I want to kiss her and I want to hold her, and make things better. I'm totally not used to this whole helpless feeling. I just wish I knew how to deal with it all. I'm not good at it. I want to do something to better myself, but I don't know how to start. I want to sit by a cozy fire. I want to eat real food. I want to stay up late tonight and sleep in tomorrow. I want to build a snowman. I want to see my friends on New Years and for there not to be awkwardness/drama. What do you want?