Strength vs. Weakness: A Rambling...

Does real strength come from what you don't do? Or does it come from what you allow yourself to do? With the passing of my friend, I have wondered this. Am I strong for not letting myself cry at work, with friends, with family about missing her? Or am I stronger for letting myself cry at home or with a friend over the phone? Is it weak of me not to cry? Is it bad of me to smile? I know she would want us to be glad that she is in a better place. I truly am, because she cannot feel anymore pain. But, how is that supposed to comfort her family, her finance, her friends, me? How am I supposed to pretend that I am okay and move on? Am I honoring her memory by making positive changes to my life such as working out and being healthy? How do I continue to make change when I feel defeated, sad, bitter, angry, and so so very alone, not just because of her death but because of where I am in my life? I know I am loved. But, it's like being in a room full of people, even with those who knew Sam, and still I feel completely and utterly alone. Everyone keeps asking me what makes me happy, what do I want. I know what I want. But, either I cannot have it or I don't know how to get there. I feel so lost and confused. I'm scared. And, I miss her.

How do you measure a year?

Rent Cast - Seasons Of Love Lyrics

COMPANY
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.

SOLOIST 1
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

SOLOIST 2
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

COMPANY
It’s time now to sing out, though the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends. Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love

Love, I have determined, is really the meaning of life. But, it is not always that simple. Love is complicated and painful. Love is easy and joyful. Love is. People have died for love. People have lived for love. People have killed for love. People have created life for love.

Love is tricky, though. Because generally, you can choose who you are with, you cannot choose whom you love. Life is a never-ending, overlapping, and geometrical connection from me to you to her to him to him to her to you to me. Love is rarely as simple as I love you and you love me. Usually, it is much more than that.

This is the part that makes life interesting and worthwhile. How much do you love? How much do I love? How far would you go for love? How far would I go? Would you move across the world for love? Would you change your job for love? Would you leave your family for love? Would you sell all you own for love? Would you kill for love? Would you die for love? Would you lie, cheat, and steal for love? Would you give up sex for love?

As much as I would like to think I would do anything for love, maybe I won't do that, whatever that that entails. Should we all just love the one we're with since we cannot be with the one we love? With love, there comes a breaking point. How far can you bend until you break?

Deep Desire

my desire for you burns from deep inside
as it drips slowly down my thigh
like ice cream down a cone
just the thought of you makes me moan
i want you so bad
that it makes me feel mad
i want to be
kissing you
touching you
holding you
caressing you
licking you
until
your desire for me burns from deep inside
and it slowly drips down your thigh.

It's like you wrote this for me...

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

What I want

Because I can only think about me right now, I want these things. I want to go home and play in the snow. I want to be able to find another job and pay off bills. I want her. I want to see her. I want to kiss her and I want to hold her, and make things better. I'm totally not used to this whole helpless feeling. I just wish I knew how to deal with it all. I'm not good at it. I want to do something to better myself, but I don't know how to start. I want to sit by a cozy fire. I want to eat real food. I want to stay up late tonight and sleep in tomorrow. I want to build a snowman. I want to see my friends on New Years and for there not to be awkwardness/drama. What do you want?