Night Terrors...

For the past two weeks or so, I have been having trouble falling asleep. And, when I do finally fall asleep, I've been tending to have night terrors. Horrible dreams of death and destruction. I think a lot of it has been due to the stress of my waking life dealing with my friend with cancer and financial/work issues. Last night it was especially bad. I went to bed about 11pm and couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am. This morning, just my luck, I had to be up early at like 7:30am.

Well, I woke up at 7am to the sun shining through my blinds. This has been the first time in awhile that a) I've been up this early b) The sun woke me up c) The sun has actually been out. I hope that this is a sign that times will start to look up for me. The following poem is an expression of what it has been like for me lately, with part of it mentally written at 1:30am this morning.

Night Terrors

The whirling wind wildly whips
against the clear and crisp
black abyss of the sky,
which envelops itself around
the old wise trees.
These trees outstretch their limbs
looking for any sort of comfort.
A storm suddenly enters the dark, long night
ruining the solace the trees seek.
The wind grows angry,
howling now over and under
the weakened branches.
Rain drips down my window pane,
bringing the torture outside to me.
My tears begin to stream
down
my face,
staining my freshly white sheets.
I lie there as the turmoil
is released slowly in silent screaming.
Many nights have passed or so it seems.
The clock strikes two with a clank,
and still I cannot find relief.
I wonder if this all torments you as much as me.
Or are you finally sleeping and slumbering tonight?
Dawn breaks, the clouds dissipate,
and the rain on my pillow dries
as I drift off, swollen and beaten
to the only place that is safe,
dreaming
of
you.

What I want

Because I can only think about me right now, I want these things. I want to go home and play in the snow. I want to be able to find another job and pay off bills. I want her. I want to see her. I want to kiss her and I want to hold her, and make things better. I'm totally not used to this whole helpless feeling. I just wish I knew how to deal with it all. I'm not good at it. I want to do something to better myself, but I don't know how to start. I want to sit by a cozy fire. I want to eat real food. I want to stay up late tonight and sleep in tomorrow. I want to build a snowman. I want to see my friends on New Years and for there not to be awkwardness/drama. What do you want?

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These

I feel like sometimes I have ADD, especially in regards to what I want to do in life. I spend waaaaay too much time, at work usually, daydreaming about my future. I dream that I win the lottery, quit my evil job, pay off my debt and travel the world. Or I dream that I open a cool new lesbian club like the L Word, complete with my friend saying nothing but "Baby gurrrrrl". Or I dream that I write an amazing novel and again quit my job and travel the world with my millions.


Or I dream what it would be like if I could go back five years and change what I did after High School. I dream that I would have got my license to drive, gone to community college for two years, then to the big state school in Portland, come out earlier, taken every opportunity to travel, major in graphic design (so I could still be creative, yet make the big bucks), lost weight, and went to grad school.


I know that I could still accomplish those things, but I feel hopeless and unmotivated. And, the biggest thing holding me back from those things are either fear or finances. I feel like I've made a terrible mess of my life in these respects, and I don't know how to fix it. I wish someone would come along into my life and encourage me better myself, yet at the same time still love me for who I am currently.


But, with the women I've met so far this hasn't been the case entirely. They have either been too passive or too straight or too far away or too bad for me. Or I've been too afraid to pursue anything with them (hot co-worker)Hmmm...either way they've been all wrong.


Sometimes, I just think if I could move, I would be able to start over. Go to a place where nobody knows me before I came out. Go where I can meet other women who like women. Go and explore and live. Because where I am both physically and otherwise, it's numbing and boring and stagnate. I just wish I knew where to begin to change.

Counting My Blessings

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Yesterday, although I had work, I was still able to reflect over the past year. I have decided to list everything that I'm thankful for this year.


1. Coming out- Although this has brought a lot of pain in terms of my family and friends' acceptance, I'm still thankful that I had the courage to come out. I'm the happiest I've ever been even with all the pain.

2. My friends- My friends, although it's been tough at times, have never given up on me. They could have stopped pushing me to be greater than I am, but they didn't. I'm so glad to have them in my life.

3. My family- We've had issues and difficulties but we will hopefully always be family. We will get through our current struggles. My parents will eventually get over their denial about my sexuality.

4. My faith- If I had nothing else to support me this year, I always had and will continue to have my faith in Jesus to fall back on.

5. My basic needs- I have my health (mostly), a good job, a place to live, clothes on my back, and a generally good life.

6. My online friends- When all else has failed and I've been in doubt/confused/pain/loneliness, I've always had AfterEllen and my friends there. I could never be able to fully articulate how much you all truly mean to me.

7. The little things- I'm thankful for laughter, board games, days off, sunshine, snow, cuddles, children, animals, good movies, music, and many other things.

Thanks and blessings for you all!

Love/Hate

I hate: When there is nothing to do at work AND then the internet decides to stop working as well.

I love: Today is my Friday. I get to stay up late and make voogles/take sexy pics for AE.

I hate: That my apartment is a fucking pig-sty and I'll have to clean all day tomorrow and possibley Wednesday.

I love: On Wednesday, I get to go see an all-female queer burlesque show with FREE drinks.

I hate: How I don't think my family wants me to come home for Thanksgiving and I will be alone then.

I love: My sister bought eggnog for us to share.