Strength vs. Weakness: A Rambling...

Does real strength come from what you don't do? Or does it come from what you allow yourself to do? With the passing of my friend, I have wondered this. Am I strong for not letting myself cry at work, with friends, with family about missing her? Or am I stronger for letting myself cry at home or with a friend over the phone? Is it weak of me not to cry? Is it bad of me to smile? I know she would want us to be glad that she is in a better place. I truly am, because she cannot feel anymore pain. But, how is that supposed to comfort her family, her finance, her friends, me? How am I supposed to pretend that I am okay and move on? Am I honoring her memory by making positive changes to my life such as working out and being healthy? How do I continue to make change when I feel defeated, sad, bitter, angry, and so so very alone, not just because of her death but because of where I am in my life? I know I am loved. But, it's like being in a room full of people, even with those who knew Sam, and still I feel completely and utterly alone. Everyone keeps asking me what makes me happy, what do I want. I know what I want. But, either I cannot have it or I don't know how to get there. I feel so lost and confused. I'm scared. And, I miss her.

Celebration of a Life

Yesterday, I went to my friend Sam's funeral and burial. What a beautiful service it was; Sam would have loved it. It suprisingly didn't rain. Sam is buried near her four miscarried babies. I just know she is up in Heaven holding them and looking down on us all and smiling. I've definitely felt her presence around me. Here is her
obituary:

Samantha Rae Fuller lost her battle with cancer on Wednesday, February 11, 2009 at 12:18 p.m. in Oregon. She was 27 years old.

Samantha was born in Cannon Falls on September 1, 1981 at 12:18 p.m., the daughter of Kristi (Norstad) and Robert Fuller.

She fought two courageous battles against childhood leukemia at the ages of 3 and again at 6, and won! She attended Elementary and High Schools in the Beaverton, Oregon area.

Samantha was a young woman with a perpetual smile. She always had an amazing glow of happiness on her face and was always concerned about everyone around her. Sam had a wonderful heart and soul and will be missed by many. Her charming personality, wit and awe of life has impacted everyone who knew her. She leaves a big hole in our hearts.

She is survived by her parents Kristi (Norstad) and Robert Fuller, her sister Alyssa Fuller, and Samantha’s fiancé’ Nick Fleming and his family, all of Portland, OR. She is also survived by many aunts and uncles, RoseAnn (Norstad) and Jake Lindsey, Orlando and Kathy Norstad, Gary and Mary Norstad, Jim and Bonnie Norstad, Bob and Martha Norstad, Steve and Linda Norstad, Jarle and Debra Norstad, Deb Norstad, MaryLee (Fuller) and Darryl Nelson, Kathy (Fuller) and Tom Favilla, Steve and Laurie Fuller, and Liz (Fuller) and Matt Nelson; and many cousins and friends. She also loved her two cats, Sophie and Yoda.

She is preceded in death by her four miscarried babies. Sam wanted to be a mother so much and now the Lord has put her little babies in her arms. She was also preceded in death by her paternal grandparents, Lee and Mary Ann Fuller, and maternal grandparents, Orlando and Edna Norstad.

She will be forever in our hearts, and missed forever!

Funeral service will be held on Tuesday at 11 a.m. at the Finley-Sunset Hills Mortuary in Portland, OR. Burial will follow at Mt Calvary Catholic Cemetery in Portland. A visitation will be held on Monday from 11 a.m. - 4 p.m. at Finley-Sunset Hills Mortuary.

She will be missed but not forgotten. Thank you Sam for your friendship. The impact you've had on me and my life will last forver. Sleep well, my dear friend.

To my dear friend, Sam... RIP

Samage,
Even though I didn't know you very long, I'm blessed to have called you my friend. You were an amazing woman, truly the type to give the shirt off your back. You were kind and always made me laugh. You always listened and never judged. I'm going to really miss you, but I know that you are in a better place now, with no more pain. Make sure you send down some angels for us, especially Allie. I know you're gonna be smiling down and watching over us all. I love you, and I'll never forget you.
Love,
Chrissie :)


In memory:
Samantha Rae Fuller
9/1/81 12:18pm - 2/11/09 12:18pm

Night Terrors...

For the past two weeks or so, I have been having trouble falling asleep. And, when I do finally fall asleep, I've been tending to have night terrors. Horrible dreams of death and destruction. I think a lot of it has been due to the stress of my waking life dealing with my friend with cancer and financial/work issues. Last night it was especially bad. I went to bed about 11pm and couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am. This morning, just my luck, I had to be up early at like 7:30am.

Well, I woke up at 7am to the sun shining through my blinds. This has been the first time in awhile that a) I've been up this early b) The sun woke me up c) The sun has actually been out. I hope that this is a sign that times will start to look up for me. The following poem is an expression of what it has been like for me lately, with part of it mentally written at 1:30am this morning.

Night Terrors

The whirling wind wildly whips
against the clear and crisp
black abyss of the sky,
which envelops itself around
the old wise trees.
These trees outstretch their limbs
looking for any sort of comfort.
A storm suddenly enters the dark, long night
ruining the solace the trees seek.
The wind grows angry,
howling now over and under
the weakened branches.
Rain drips down my window pane,
bringing the torture outside to me.
My tears begin to stream
down
my face,
staining my freshly white sheets.
I lie there as the turmoil
is released slowly in silent screaming.
Many nights have passed or so it seems.
The clock strikes two with a clank,
and still I cannot find relief.
I wonder if this all torments you as much as me.
Or are you finally sleeping and slumbering tonight?
Dawn breaks, the clouds dissipate,
and the rain on my pillow dries
as I drift off, swollen and beaten
to the only place that is safe,
dreaming
of
you.

A lil' bit country

Sometimes all you need is a lil' bit of country music...One of my favorite artists is Carrie Underwood. I always can seem to get something important out of her songs. These ones seem really relevant to me right now. Enjoy!

So Small





Wheel of the World

How do you measure a year?

Rent Cast - Seasons Of Love Lyrics

COMPANY
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.

SOLOIST 1
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

SOLOIST 2
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

COMPANY
It’s time now to sing out, though the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends. Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love

Love, I have determined, is really the meaning of life. But, it is not always that simple. Love is complicated and painful. Love is easy and joyful. Love is. People have died for love. People have lived for love. People have killed for love. People have created life for love.

Love is tricky, though. Because generally, you can choose who you are with, you cannot choose whom you love. Life is a never-ending, overlapping, and geometrical connection from me to you to her to him to him to her to you to me. Love is rarely as simple as I love you and you love me. Usually, it is much more than that.

This is the part that makes life interesting and worthwhile. How much do you love? How much do I love? How far would you go for love? How far would I go? Would you move across the world for love? Would you change your job for love? Would you leave your family for love? Would you sell all you own for love? Would you kill for love? Would you die for love? Would you lie, cheat, and steal for love? Would you give up sex for love?

As much as I would like to think I would do anything for love, maybe I won't do that, whatever that that entails. Should we all just love the one we're with since we cannot be with the one we love? With love, there comes a breaking point. How far can you bend until you break?

Deep Desire

my desire for you burns from deep inside
as it drips slowly down my thigh
like ice cream down a cone
just the thought of you makes me moan
i want you so bad
that it makes me feel mad
i want to be
kissing you
touching you
holding you
caressing you
licking you
until
your desire for me burns from deep inside
and it slowly drips down your thigh.

The Dead of Winter

Winter is associated with cold and darkness. During winter, plants die, birds fly south, and bears hibernate. However, when Spring rolls around things literally burst and bloom back to life. Like Nature, human lives are often times intertwined with the symbolism of Winter and Spring.

My life lately has truly seen this. In early November, my 96 year-old great-grandmother Lillian passed away after a long,hard body and mind destroying battle with Alzheimer's and, as we later found out, cancer. Just a few weeks later, my 18 year-old cousin Jenny announced to her family, which worked its way through the grapevine, that she is pregnant. So within a month, my family has gone from death to life, sadness to happiness.

My job cut my hours down, which has given me some additional financial hardships. But, also, it gave me the opportunity to go home and be with my family for Christmas. Surprisingly, Christmas was normal. For once, my family (specifically my parents) and I did not fight about my sexuality. Although I believe it has more to do with a "don't ask, don't tell" denial mentality rather than actual acceptance, it nonetheless, was nice to be a part of the family again.

My friendships with some of my closest friends have seemingly ceased to exist because of romantic relationships, distance, and just generally a change in life priorities. At the same time, though, there has been greater closeness with some people from work and other places.

So, it seems that like me, maybe humanity as a whole works this way. Maybe we need the hard, lonely, sad, dark, and utterly depressing times to get to and appreciate the easy, joyful, loving, light, and happy things in life. I mean, what would be
the point of life otherwise? Some things I think are random and don't happen because of any reasoning. But, aren't some things fated? Destined? Planned?

Then again, why do bad things happen to good people? Why children die before their parents? Why does someone who never smoked a day in their life get lung cancer? Why do people who commit tax fraud and swindle millions upon millions out of their employees get a slap on the wrist, while the same swindled employees get hard time in jail for stealing for their families? Why are good, loving people alone and single? Why?

Perhaps, there are no answers. People are born. die. get cancer. don't get sick. laugh. cry. rich. poor. loved. unloved. People just are.

However, a part of me, the optimistic in me, sometimes wishes life was more like one of those choose your own adventure books. I feel like I've made some incredible mistakes in my past and if I could I would go back and change things. But, then I remember, my mistakes, my lonely Winter, makes me stronger and brings me to that Spring, that glorious Spring, full of child-like wonder and love. So, I just need to remind myself, that I am worth it; I will get through this Winter (with money worries, family issues, and a sad heart) to my Spring. It is out there waiting for me!

So, what do you think? Are you currently in your Winter? or Spring? comments? questions? Leave 'em below! :)

What I want

Because I can only think about me right now, I want these things. I want to go home and play in the snow. I want to be able to find another job and pay off bills. I want her. I want to see her. I want to kiss her and I want to hold her, and make things better. I'm totally not used to this whole helpless feeling. I just wish I knew how to deal with it all. I'm not good at it. I want to do something to better myself, but I don't know how to start. I want to sit by a cozy fire. I want to eat real food. I want to stay up late tonight and sleep in tomorrow. I want to build a snowman. I want to see my friends on New Years and for there not to be awkwardness/drama. What do you want?

Grey Skies To Blue : A Poem

As I walk down the street, feeling the wind in my hair,
I wish you were with me, instead of over there.
Although we are miles and hours apart,
I can feel you right here, right in my heart.

Today, I'll send happy thoughts over to you.
So, that you can feel me in all that you do.
I'm right next to you, by your side.
Holding your hand through life's crazy ride.

I know you're not one for mushy love songs,
but you've made everything right not wrong.
This seems so real, so right, and so true.
You took away the grey skies and turned them blue.

So blue, blue even in the dead of winter.
You've made me feel like a first-place winner.
You've crashed through my heart, melting the sadness away.
I hope we can always be together, hoping that you will stay.

I may not know what the future holds.
We're a story that's yet to unfold.
I dream that it could be something great.
I believe in things greater than fate.

The older I get

the more I realize, that everything has a time and place and things truly happen for a reason.





Lyrics:
To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time for peace, I swear its not too late

The Two Sides of Me

Geez, I'm in a contemplative mood today. Anyways, Amy's blog got me to thinking about my group of friends and I. Amy wrote:

If your primary friend group is straight, I think a little part of you always feels like you have to be on guard, like you're hiding a small part of yourself, no matter how comfortable you are with your sexuality.

This is how it is with my group of friends. I am THE only gay person out of all my straight friends (except for my gay male best friend). I feel like I have to hold back with them and can't be like "Oh, there's this girl at work" or "She's cute". Anytime I talk about women or dating, they accuse me of "always talking about my sexuality". I do agree that I talk about sex itself maybe a little too much, but my sexuality is different. Although it is just one facet of who I am, it still is a big part of me.

I feel weird that I cannot share a big part of my life with my group of friends, that I've been friends with for almost 5 years now. 5 years and a lot has happened individually, and as a group. Among us four, 3 of us dropped out of college, one graduated, one went back to school, all of us got our first full-time jobs, and one spent a year in the South in Americorps. Three of us have dealt with the death of a family member.

And, personally, in our romantic lives: one has had an unrequited love and a boyfriend (both long-distance online romances), another has just recently gotten engaged to her long-time on and off boyfriend, another has been through men (and me)like icecream and there's me- who's gone from being supposedly boy-crazy to falling in love with one of her best female friends and coming-out and dating.

And, now with one of us going to law school in Detroit and engaged, it's made me realize that they all don't know me as well as they used to. I hold back with them, and I feel like they do with me. Maybe this has nothing to do with my sexuality. Maybe this is just how life is and maybe we have all outgrown eachother. But, I don't want it to end this way.

I want it to end, if it must, like my re-occuring dream. Where one of us gets married, and we all come together one last time with our significant others. We put away all of the hurt of the past and have peace once and for all.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These

I feel like sometimes I have ADD, especially in regards to what I want to do in life. I spend waaaaay too much time, at work usually, daydreaming about my future. I dream that I win the lottery, quit my evil job, pay off my debt and travel the world. Or I dream that I open a cool new lesbian club like the L Word, complete with my friend saying nothing but "Baby gurrrrrl". Or I dream that I write an amazing novel and again quit my job and travel the world with my millions.


Or I dream what it would be like if I could go back five years and change what I did after High School. I dream that I would have got my license to drive, gone to community college for two years, then to the big state school in Portland, come out earlier, taken every opportunity to travel, major in graphic design (so I could still be creative, yet make the big bucks), lost weight, and went to grad school.


I know that I could still accomplish those things, but I feel hopeless and unmotivated. And, the biggest thing holding me back from those things are either fear or finances. I feel like I've made a terrible mess of my life in these respects, and I don't know how to fix it. I wish someone would come along into my life and encourage me better myself, yet at the same time still love me for who I am currently.


But, with the women I've met so far this hasn't been the case entirely. They have either been too passive or too straight or too far away or too bad for me. Or I've been too afraid to pursue anything with them (hot co-worker)Hmmm...either way they've been all wrong.


Sometimes, I just think if I could move, I would be able to start over. Go to a place where nobody knows me before I came out. Go where I can meet other women who like women. Go and explore and live. Because where I am both physically and otherwise, it's numbing and boring and stagnate. I just wish I knew where to begin to change.

Counting My Blessings

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Yesterday, although I had work, I was still able to reflect over the past year. I have decided to list everything that I'm thankful for this year.


1. Coming out- Although this has brought a lot of pain in terms of my family and friends' acceptance, I'm still thankful that I had the courage to come out. I'm the happiest I've ever been even with all the pain.

2. My friends- My friends, although it's been tough at times, have never given up on me. They could have stopped pushing me to be greater than I am, but they didn't. I'm so glad to have them in my life.

3. My family- We've had issues and difficulties but we will hopefully always be family. We will get through our current struggles. My parents will eventually get over their denial about my sexuality.

4. My faith- If I had nothing else to support me this year, I always had and will continue to have my faith in Jesus to fall back on.

5. My basic needs- I have my health (mostly), a good job, a place to live, clothes on my back, and a generally good life.

6. My online friends- When all else has failed and I've been in doubt/confused/pain/loneliness, I've always had AfterEllen and my friends there. I could never be able to fully articulate how much you all truly mean to me.

7. The little things- I'm thankful for laughter, board games, days off, sunshine, snow, cuddles, children, animals, good movies, music, and many other things.

Thanks and blessings for you all!

Hmmm...

This pretty sums up what I feel...yeah...

Scream Club's "On My Mind"
it's 5 am i'm wide awake and feelin' dumb
waitin' for a phone call that ain't gonna come
and i'm tryin' to make sense of time we spent
i'm clueless waitin' for you to give me the hint
how we went from being what i thought was connected
it is hard for me not to put it in perspective
i never required you to make a choice
but i wanted you to be excited by the sound of my voice
and somewhere along the line i became a burden
how and why exactly it happened i'm not certain
if for better or for worse
wrong or right
that i know is i am thinking of you day and night
i can't quite understand why you ignore me
do you just not feel good enough for me
or was i just a distraction from your everyday doin's
and you started feelin' bad when i was catchin' feelings
did you think it was easier just to end
than to tell me that you only want to just be friends
it's a shame you couldn't show me just a little respect
cause now i'm already done with you and onto the next

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

i believe in breathing deep
no defeat
not enough sleep
i keep my feelings mostly to myself
except in times when i need help
i hesitate to let you in
even though i know you want to be friends
i can't begin to make amends
with my fears inside
they make me spin
in the wrong direction
am i only projecting?
should i instead be looking at my own reflection?
i reject the notion of being boring
i seek the adventures that leave me scoring
in the morning, through the day, and back into the night
but i'm still trying for the person who treats me right
you're out of sight, but not out of mind
what was the reason for the two of us to find each other
in this town full of everyone else's lovers
i know i fucked up, that's plain to see
but let me know if there's a second chance for me 'cause

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

(tender forever speaks french)

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with