Night Terrors...

For the past two weeks or so, I have been having trouble falling asleep. And, when I do finally fall asleep, I've been tending to have night terrors. Horrible dreams of death and destruction. I think a lot of it has been due to the stress of my waking life dealing with my friend with cancer and financial/work issues. Last night it was especially bad. I went to bed about 11pm and couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am. This morning, just my luck, I had to be up early at like 7:30am.

Well, I woke up at 7am to the sun shining through my blinds. This has been the first time in awhile that a) I've been up this early b) The sun woke me up c) The sun has actually been out. I hope that this is a sign that times will start to look up for me. The following poem is an expression of what it has been like for me lately, with part of it mentally written at 1:30am this morning.

Night Terrors

The whirling wind wildly whips
against the clear and crisp
black abyss of the sky,
which envelops itself around
the old wise trees.
These trees outstretch their limbs
looking for any sort of comfort.
A storm suddenly enters the dark, long night
ruining the solace the trees seek.
The wind grows angry,
howling now over and under
the weakened branches.
Rain drips down my window pane,
bringing the torture outside to me.
My tears begin to stream
down
my face,
staining my freshly white sheets.
I lie there as the turmoil
is released slowly in silent screaming.
Many nights have passed or so it seems.
The clock strikes two with a clank,
and still I cannot find relief.
I wonder if this all torments you as much as me.
Or are you finally sleeping and slumbering tonight?
Dawn breaks, the clouds dissipate,
and the rain on my pillow dries
as I drift off, swollen and beaten
to the only place that is safe,
dreaming
of
you.

How do you measure a year?

Rent Cast - Seasons Of Love Lyrics

COMPANY
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.

SOLOIST 1
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

SOLOIST 2
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

COMPANY
It’s time now to sing out, though the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends. Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love

Love, I have determined, is really the meaning of life. But, it is not always that simple. Love is complicated and painful. Love is easy and joyful. Love is. People have died for love. People have lived for love. People have killed for love. People have created life for love.

Love is tricky, though. Because generally, you can choose who you are with, you cannot choose whom you love. Life is a never-ending, overlapping, and geometrical connection from me to you to her to him to him to her to you to me. Love is rarely as simple as I love you and you love me. Usually, it is much more than that.

This is the part that makes life interesting and worthwhile. How much do you love? How much do I love? How far would you go for love? How far would I go? Would you move across the world for love? Would you change your job for love? Would you leave your family for love? Would you sell all you own for love? Would you kill for love? Would you die for love? Would you lie, cheat, and steal for love? Would you give up sex for love?

As much as I would like to think I would do anything for love, maybe I won't do that, whatever that that entails. Should we all just love the one we're with since we cannot be with the one we love? With love, there comes a breaking point. How far can you bend until you break?

Deep Desire

my desire for you burns from deep inside
as it drips slowly down my thigh
like ice cream down a cone
just the thought of you makes me moan
i want you so bad
that it makes me feel mad
i want to be
kissing you
touching you
holding you
caressing you
licking you
until
your desire for me burns from deep inside
and it slowly drips down your thigh.

The Dead of Winter

Winter is associated with cold and darkness. During winter, plants die, birds fly south, and bears hibernate. However, when Spring rolls around things literally burst and bloom back to life. Like Nature, human lives are often times intertwined with the symbolism of Winter and Spring.

My life lately has truly seen this. In early November, my 96 year-old great-grandmother Lillian passed away after a long,hard body and mind destroying battle with Alzheimer's and, as we later found out, cancer. Just a few weeks later, my 18 year-old cousin Jenny announced to her family, which worked its way through the grapevine, that she is pregnant. So within a month, my family has gone from death to life, sadness to happiness.

My job cut my hours down, which has given me some additional financial hardships. But, also, it gave me the opportunity to go home and be with my family for Christmas. Surprisingly, Christmas was normal. For once, my family (specifically my parents) and I did not fight about my sexuality. Although I believe it has more to do with a "don't ask, don't tell" denial mentality rather than actual acceptance, it nonetheless, was nice to be a part of the family again.

My friendships with some of my closest friends have seemingly ceased to exist because of romantic relationships, distance, and just generally a change in life priorities. At the same time, though, there has been greater closeness with some people from work and other places.

So, it seems that like me, maybe humanity as a whole works this way. Maybe we need the hard, lonely, sad, dark, and utterly depressing times to get to and appreciate the easy, joyful, loving, light, and happy things in life. I mean, what would be
the point of life otherwise? Some things I think are random and don't happen because of any reasoning. But, aren't some things fated? Destined? Planned?

Then again, why do bad things happen to good people? Why children die before their parents? Why does someone who never smoked a day in their life get lung cancer? Why do people who commit tax fraud and swindle millions upon millions out of their employees get a slap on the wrist, while the same swindled employees get hard time in jail for stealing for their families? Why are good, loving people alone and single? Why?

Perhaps, there are no answers. People are born. die. get cancer. don't get sick. laugh. cry. rich. poor. loved. unloved. People just are.

However, a part of me, the optimistic in me, sometimes wishes life was more like one of those choose your own adventure books. I feel like I've made some incredible mistakes in my past and if I could I would go back and change things. But, then I remember, my mistakes, my lonely Winter, makes me stronger and brings me to that Spring, that glorious Spring, full of child-like wonder and love. So, I just need to remind myself, that I am worth it; I will get through this Winter (with money worries, family issues, and a sad heart) to my Spring. It is out there waiting for me!

So, what do you think? Are you currently in your Winter? or Spring? comments? questions? Leave 'em below! :)

Grey Skies To Blue : A Poem

As I walk down the street, feeling the wind in my hair,
I wish you were with me, instead of over there.
Although we are miles and hours apart,
I can feel you right here, right in my heart.

Today, I'll send happy thoughts over to you.
So, that you can feel me in all that you do.
I'm right next to you, by your side.
Holding your hand through life's crazy ride.

I know you're not one for mushy love songs,
but you've made everything right not wrong.
This seems so real, so right, and so true.
You took away the grey skies and turned them blue.

So blue, blue even in the dead of winter.
You've made me feel like a first-place winner.
You've crashed through my heart, melting the sadness away.
I hope we can always be together, hoping that you will stay.

I may not know what the future holds.
We're a story that's yet to unfold.
I dream that it could be something great.
I believe in things greater than fate.

Food For Thought: Hate, Ignorance, and Fear

Hate is caused by fear and ignorance.

They say that ignorance is bliss. I disagree. Your ignorance is

not my bliss. You ignore my rights of life, liberty, and

pursuit of happiness. More importantly, you ignore my very

existence. You ignore my choice to marry the one I love just

because she is of the same sex as me. You ignore me and my

representation on television. You ignore me and my voice on the

news. And, if you do show me and others like me, you show us as

stereotypes, as comedic relief.

Well, guess what? I am here. And, there are millions of others

like me. We are your neighbors, your friends, and your family.

We work at your jobs. We pay taxes like you. We live and die

for this country, all the while being forced out of fear or

other reasons to stay hidden.

But you are fearful, too. Afraid that we will ruin your

marriage. I am not asking to be married in your church. I am

asking for the same rights as you. You are afraid that I will

corrupt your family and children. I am not a pedophile. I

worked for over two years with the children of broken families

that were ruined just fine without me. You are afraid of our

"agenda". We don't have an agenda other than to be treated the

same. We are not wanting "special" rights nor extra rights. We

want the same rights as you. We are not second-class citizens.

Don't fear us. Please educate yourselves. And, then you can stop

the hate.

Because at the end of the day, don't we all look at the same

moon? Don't we all tuck our children in? Don't we all love?

Aren't we all human?

I am

I am.
I am your daughter.
I am your grand-daughter.
I am your niece.
I am your cousin.
I am your sister.
I am your neighbor.
I am your friend.
I am your employee.
I am a Christain.
I am a citizen.
I am an Oregonian.
I am an American.
I may be a lesbian,
but I am also a human.
I just am.

A Connection

A Connection


You see into the depths of my soul,
making me feel like a newborn foal.
I tell you things that nobody knows,
melting away years of cold winter snows.
You make me laugh and cry out in joy,
I feel like a kid with a new Christmas toy.
I feel this real connection with you.
Is this something I've waited for? Is it true?
How can this be? Why do I feel this way?
What do you feel? And, Will you stay?

Some poems and songs

"begin" 06.24.08

where to begin?
perhaps the beginning
rain pouring
driving fast
darkness around
looking at you
and just suddenly knowing
like a bolt of lightning
through me,
entirely changing me
forever
and of
us laughing
us
flash foward
like a flood
to us
no longer us
but were we ever "us"?
we could've been
if you could
only let yourself
feel
what i
feel
i know it's true
because i'm never sure
but this time
i am
so how then
can something i'm so decisive about
be
completely and utterly
wrong?
it's not wrong
in any sense
you try tell me that it all
meant nothing to you
like i'm nothing but
another conquest
to make me feel
ashamed
but you know what?
i'm not
if i could it all over again
i would still
love you
madly, deeply, completely,
head over heels
i've already admitted
that i won't find anything
like what could've been
i am confident
but
you are not
and actions
speak louder
than words
than the lies you tell me,
try to make me believe
because you're
running,
running from me
into men,
poor substitutions
of me,
trying to prove that you're
not who i know you are
and who i am, too
searching, hiding
denying,
what's real
what's true
you may come close,
but nothing will ever
compare,
nothing will be the
same
to what could've been
so you and i should
just
go back and
begin
but this time
together.


"I forget" 06.07.08 at 3am

I'm drunk.
I will forget tonight.
drinking too many tasty concoctions.
the sweaty, sexy dancing.
talking too loud and too fast.
the money I spent.
But, I wish
I could forget you.
your sweet, sugary lips.
your soft, silky skin.
The way your eyes twinkle
when you think of anyone
but me.
that there's nobody I'd
rather fight with.
that you always push me
to be greater than
I am.
that you've changed me
forever.
But most of all,
I wish
I could forget that
I love you.
I'm drunk on you.


"I would" 04.16.08
I would lasso the moon for you.
I would hold you tenderly in my warm arms.
I would gather all the stars from the great black abyss for you.
I would kiss your sweet lips over and over.
I would walk the world for you.
I would hold your hair back for you when you were sick.
I would give you all of me- my beating heart, my passionate soul, my soft body, everything.
I would give you all of these things, and so much more.
But, I know that the only thing that matters, true happiness, I could never give you.
And, the only thing that I really want from you, all of your heart, I could never get.
So, I would live a lonely lifetime without you.



"Imagine" 04.12.08
I imagine our tongues intertwine
like juicy red vines.
I imagine my hand caressing your
sweet body until you soar.
I imagine my lips tracing the words
"I love you" until I'm cured.
I imagine you loving me, too
in a way that's so true.
I imagine the rain
covering all my pain.
I imagine no more tears
and being with you for years.
You say it's not me, but I don't believe you.
So, I just imagine.


"Freaking Out"
I watch you sleep, wondering if you're dreaming of me.
It freaks you out.
I look longingly into your eyes, as though my passion will pierce your soul.
It freaks you out.
I want to romance and woo you, to prove to you that your worth it.
It freaks you out.
I am perfectly content just laying there, holding you in my arms, to protect you, to cherish you, to keep you and never let you go, to just be and forget the rush and worry of the world.
It freaks you out.
I freak you out.



"A Moment"
A sweet sugary scent seduces me,
again
and
again.
There is an earlier time.
When I gently brushed
your silky hair out of your face,
placing the delicate strands behind your ear.
I stopped to touch your soft cheeks,
my fingers tracing small circles.
Like a child ice skating,
I was afraid of slipping and hurting myself.
Then, your eyes looked into mine.
I was captivated and comforted.
Time stopped.
Wet and warm,
electricity exchanged as our lips met.
Quickly and quietly,
it
ended.


“Versus”
You think that I'm naïve. Maybe I am. But, maybe you are too cynical.
You think that I'm too fricking chipper. Maybe I am. But, maybe you are too sad.
You think that I'm unrestrained at times. Maybe I am. But, maybe you are too afraid to be free.
You think that I'm seeing you in an unrealistic way. Maybe I am. But, maybe I just don't talk about the negative things.
You think that I'm being used by you. Maybe I am. But, maybe I give you things that I've always really wanted to.
You think that I'm hopelessly trying. Maybe I am. But, maybe you should look deep inside and really try.
You think that I'm not what you want. Maybe I am. But, maybe I'm just what you need.


“Sweet Dreams are Made of These”

Your lines of a haiku
waft
through
the air,
suddenly jolting my soul.
I remember moments
of uncensored passion.
Of tumbling and touching and tenderness.
Of innocence and intrigue.
Of wonder and warmth.
Why do these times seem as though
they were just dreams?
You wanted me then,
but now you just
want
me
to

go.


"You"
Like a moth to a flaming fire, your ruby lips beckon me.
Like the seven sparkling seas, I get lost in your eyes.
Your hips hypnotize me the way they sway.
You come close enough for me to take you in, and I remember your gentle touch.
Your shiny smile warms my lonely life.
Like rivers of smoothly melted chocolate, your silky hair flows gently down your back.
Like satin sheets, your soft skin brushes mine ever so slightly, making me want to be wrapped up and tangled in you.
Like a great work of art, you leave me in breathless awe.


"Once" 09.16.07
Once you looked at me,
I knew.
Once you touched me,
I flew.
Once you laughed,
I melted.
Once our minds crossed,
I felt it.

Once you kiss me,
you'll know.
Once you open up,
you'll flow.
Once you let it happen,
you'll fall.
Once you see me differently,
you'll call.

"Strange" 09.15.07
Life is strange
because it turns out
how I expect

Love is strange
because it never comes
when I want.

Friendship is strange
because it never seems
to last forever.

Family is strange
because it never chose me;
I chose.

You are strange
because you never see me
that way.

I am strange
because I care for you
when I shouldn't.


"Jesus and Me" 02.12.07
I fall.
Tears fall.
Blood's shed.
He rises.
I rise
and live.

"More Than Her" (a song) 02.05.07

What's the big deal?
Why is everyone so crazy
about her?
Who's idea was it?
How come she is everywhere you look?
Why is there no escape?
I want something more than her.


She has her nails down everyone's back,
all over the world,
since the dawn of man.
She is lustful
causing so much confusion.
I want something more than her.


I've had enough of this captivation.
I want a different motivation
for life.
I need a change.
Don't you?
I want something more than her.

Chorus:
More than lies,
More than pain.
Something truer,
Something greater,
Something we were created for.
I want something more than her.

"Maybe" (a song) 02.05.07

Maybe love is over-rated.
Or maybe you're just
Lonely.
Maybe crying is for the weak.
Or maybe you're just
Tired of smiling through the pain.

Maybe oh maybe

Maybe the world is out of control
Or maybe you're just
Afraid.
Maybe life is just a joke.
Or maybe you're just
Not living.


Maybe oh maybe


Chourus:
But, maybe,
Just maybe,
There's a better way.
And that there's hope
For you
And me
And everyone.
All you gotta do is believe.


"Pas vous? (Won't You?)" 11.05.06


Votre sourire fond (your smile melts)
un coeur glacial (an icy heart)
comme (like)
chaleur du soleil. (heat from the sun)
Ne sourirez-vous pas à moi ? (won't you smile at me?)

Vos yeux sont (your eyes are)
profonds et mystérieux (deep and mysterious)
comme (like)
l'océan. (the ocean)
Ne regarderez-vous pas dans le mien ? (won't you look into mine?)

Vos bras s'étendent (your arms streach)
autour de moi (around me)
comme (like)
couverture chaude. (a warm blanket)
Ne me toucherez-vous pas ? (won't you touch me?)


Vos lèvres m'appellent, (your lips call me)
dodus et juteux (plump and wet)
comme (like)
pomme rouge. (a red apple)
Ne m'embrasserez-vous pas ? (won't you kiss me?)

Vous êtes quelqu'un (you are someone)
de que j'ai (who I)
besoin et veux. (need and want)
Ne me désirez-vous pas aussi ? (Don't you desire me, too?)


"My Soul Aches" 09.29.06

In my life,
there's so much strife.
This cross I'm bearin'
is greatly tearin'
me up inside
and I sit and cry,
because...

Chorus:
My soul aches
to see Your face.
Life seems to take
such a slow pace
until I can
see You,
the greatest Man
the world ever knew.

At night, I pray
and You say,
"Come here, my child,
sit and be mild.
You're lookin' for a sign?
Just know you're mine!"
because...

Repeat chorus

So, now I feel safe and sound
that my ant hill isn't a giant mound
of unbearable sadness and pain.
Instead, Your kindness I gain.
I must make the most of
this life and Your unending love,
because...

Repeat Chorus 2X

My soul no longer aches
to see Your face.
Life seems to take
such a fast pace
until I can
see wonderful You,
the greatest Man
I ever knew.


"Just You" 03.16.06

I walk down the long, quiet street.
No one is here with me
but You.
I feel the cool, calming breeze
that's you.

Chorus: Others may try to explain this mess
of a world around me.
They think that I make no sense,
that I'm crazy.
But, I know that it's true;
it's just you.

I sit and look at the bright stars
away from the city lights, cars, and bars
with You.
I ponder life with the love and safety of the moon
that's you.

Repeat Chorus

When I'm running with
tears streaming down my face, I've
already won the race
because of You.
People may say it's just the rain,
but I know
that it's you.

Repeat Chorus 2X

The Perfect Kiss: A short descriptive piece

well, first of all it would be best if it was with someone I cared for. I think physical intimacy is all the more enjoyable and special if you have that emotional/intellectual intimacy to begin with.

The location of said kiss is also important. I, for one, am a sucker for romance. Now, it doesn't have to be any kind of big ordeal. Spontanity works wonders. Perhaps, a midnight picnic under the stars. We are both sitting together in a big open clearing in the forest on a nice big blanket. We eat together some delicious food that I have prepared, including feeding eachother some nice, juicy chocolate covered strawberries. I gently wipe away the juice that is dripping down your mouth with my soft fingers (just to tease you a little).

Then, I cuddle up behind you closely, wrapping the blanket up around us. As we look at the black, sparkling sky, we suddenly see a shooting star. I close my eyes tightly and make a wish. You ask me quietly what I wished for. Without a word, I slowly breathe with my warm breath on your cold neck.

Next, I delicately turn you to face me as I am kissing from the back of your neck to the front. I pull back and look deeply into your eyes for a moment, getting lost inside. I smile just a little grin and pull you close to me as our lips meet in a sweet yet sensual dance. I then brush my cheek softly against yours for a minute. I hear your breathe quicken, so I plant little kisses all over your face, on your forehead, cheeks, eyelids, nose, and finally again on your mouth. Once there, the kissing gets more intense and passionate. I trace the contours of your lips with my tongue until they part and our tongues gently and then intensely tangle and intertwine together until we cannot breath. We breathlessly part and I go back to holding you from behind as before.

I whisper into your ear that that was what I wished for, with a devilish grin on my face and sending shivers up and down your back.