The Two Sides of Me

Geez, I'm in a contemplative mood today. Anyways, Amy's blog got me to thinking about my group of friends and I. Amy wrote:

If your primary friend group is straight, I think a little part of you always feels like you have to be on guard, like you're hiding a small part of yourself, no matter how comfortable you are with your sexuality.

This is how it is with my group of friends. I am THE only gay person out of all my straight friends (except for my gay male best friend). I feel like I have to hold back with them and can't be like "Oh, there's this girl at work" or "She's cute". Anytime I talk about women or dating, they accuse me of "always talking about my sexuality". I do agree that I talk about sex itself maybe a little too much, but my sexuality is different. Although it is just one facet of who I am, it still is a big part of me.

I feel weird that I cannot share a big part of my life with my group of friends, that I've been friends with for almost 5 years now. 5 years and a lot has happened individually, and as a group. Among us four, 3 of us dropped out of college, one graduated, one went back to school, all of us got our first full-time jobs, and one spent a year in the South in Americorps. Three of us have dealt with the death of a family member.

And, personally, in our romantic lives: one has had an unrequited love and a boyfriend (both long-distance online romances), another has just recently gotten engaged to her long-time on and off boyfriend, another has been through men (and me)like icecream and there's me- who's gone from being supposedly boy-crazy to falling in love with one of her best female friends and coming-out and dating.

And, now with one of us going to law school in Detroit and engaged, it's made me realize that they all don't know me as well as they used to. I hold back with them, and I feel like they do with me. Maybe this has nothing to do with my sexuality. Maybe this is just how life is and maybe we have all outgrown eachother. But, I don't want it to end this way.

I want it to end, if it must, like my re-occuring dream. Where one of us gets married, and we all come together one last time with our significant others. We put away all of the hurt of the past and have peace once and for all.