Sunday, November 30, 2008

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These

I feel like sometimes I have ADD, especially in regards to what I want to do in life. I spend waaaaay too much time, at work usually, daydreaming about my future. I dream that I win the lottery, quit my evil job, pay off my debt and travel the world. Or I dream that I open a cool new lesbian club like the L Word, complete with my friend saying nothing but "Baby gurrrrrl". Or I dream that I write an amazing novel and again quit my job and travel the world with my millions.

Or I dream what it would be like if I could go back five years and change what I did after High School. I dream that I would have got my license to drive, gone to community college for two years, then to the big state school in Portland, come out earlier, taken every opportunity to travel, major in graphic design (so I could still be creative, yet make the big bucks), lost weight, and went to grad school.

I know that I could still accomplish those things, but I feel hopeless and unmotivated. And, the biggest thing holding me back from those things are either fear or finances. I feel like I've made a terrible mess of my life in these respects, and I don't know how to fix it. I wish someone would come along into my life and encourage me better myself, yet at the same time still love me for who I am currently.

But, with the women I've met so far this hasn't been the case entirely. They have either been too passive or too straight or too far away or too bad for me. Or I've been too afraid to pursue anything with them (hot co-worker)Hmmm...either way they've been all wrong.

Sometimes, I just think if I could move, I would be able to start over. Go to a place where nobody knows me before I came out. Go where I can meet other women who like women. Go and explore and live. Because where I am both physically and otherwise, it's numbing and boring and stagnate. I just wish I knew where to begin to change.

1 comment:

GótiKa said...

i know exactly how you feel. i've made all the wrong decisions in my life (and everyone keeps reminding me), but i did get the chance to move to a new place and it was full of promising adventures and opportunities. i felt it for a while but then it went back to the same. i've yet to change my ways and im missing out on amazing things. i have no motivation to do anything. i guess the problem is never the place or the people around you, its the way you feel about yourself.
you just need something to trigger off that motivation of yours and then you're good to go. im sure you'll find it soon =)