Sunday, December 14, 2008

It's like you wrote this for me...

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

What I want

Because I can only think about me right now, I want these things. I want to go home and play in the snow. I want to be able to find another job and pay off bills. I want her. I want to see her. I want to kiss her and I want to hold her, and make things better. I'm totally not used to this whole helpless feeling. I just wish I knew how to deal with it all. I'm not good at it. I want to do something to better myself, but I don't know how to start. I want to sit by a cozy fire. I want to eat real food. I want to stay up late tonight and sleep in tomorrow. I want to build a snowman. I want to see my friends on New Years and for there not to be awkwardness/drama. What do you want?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Grey Skies To Blue : A Poem

As I walk down the street, feeling the wind in my hair,
I wish you were with me, instead of over there.
Although we are miles and hours apart,
I can feel you right here, right in my heart.

Today, I'll send happy thoughts over to you.
So, that you can feel me in all that you do.
I'm right next to you, by your side.
Holding your hand through life's crazy ride.

I know you're not one for mushy love songs,
but you've made everything right not wrong.
This seems so real, so right, and so true.
You took away the grey skies and turned them blue.

So blue, blue even in the dead of winter.
You've made me feel like a first-place winner.
You've crashed through my heart, melting the sadness away.
I hope we can always be together, hoping that you will stay.

I may not know what the future holds.
We're a story that's yet to unfold.
I dream that it could be something great.
I believe in things greater than fate.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The older I get

the more I realize, that everything has a time and place and things truly happen for a reason.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time for peace, I swear its not too late

Sunday, December 7, 2008

You've been a baddddddd pussycat!

Here's proof that some cats are evil. I knew my sister's cat, Kurt (named after deceased rocker Kurt Cobain from Nirvana) had it out for me. XD

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Jumping on the bored train

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense.

Will it be ok? You're not the one for me

How are you feeling today? As I lay me down

How do your friends see you? Hey Jude

Will you get married? How to save a life

What is your best friend’s theme song? Supermassive Black Hole

What is the story of your life? Dreamer

What was high school like? Stars

How can you get ahead in life? Malchik Gay

What is the best thing about your friends? Dirrty (LMAO)

What is tonight going to be like? Go All the Way

What is in store for the remainder of this weekend? Baby's Got Back

What song describes you? You get me

To describe your grandparents? Something There

How is your life going? Friend Like Me

What song will they play at your funeral? 2 become 1 (WTF?!?!?!)

How does the world see you? Boys & Girls

Will you have a happy life? The Space Between

What do your friends really think of you? All Along the Watchtower

Do people secretly lust after you? When I see you smile

How can I make myself happy? Don't Stop

What should you do with your life? Wanna Be A Baller

Will you ever have children? Not a love song

Friday, December 5, 2008

All I want for Christmas....

Here is my Christmas list:

-Air popcorn popper
-Fondue set
-Coffee pot
-Winco giftcard
-Powell's giftcard
-Target giftcard
-DVDs: The L Word Seasons 1-5; Grey's Anantomy Seasons 2,4; South of Nowhere Seasons 1,2; Chicago, Crash, the Number 23, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the Chronicles of Narnia- Prince Caspien, Any of the Spiderman, Batman, or Shrek movies
-Spa package
-Trip somewhere
-World peace
-a girlfriend

Thursday, December 4, 2008

What are we doing tonight Brain?

Same thing we do everynight, Pinky...try to take over the world!!! Bwahahaha...Anyways, I came across this whilst surfing the web. It is an actual 5th graders note. Lol...It looks like something my brother would write. Oh geez, I should call and find out if it's him. :p

Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Two Sides of Me

Geez, I'm in a contemplative mood today. Anyways, Amy's blog got me to thinking about my group of friends and I. Amy wrote:

If your primary friend group is straight, I think a little part of you always feels like you have to be on guard, like you're hiding a small part of yourself, no matter how comfortable you are with your sexuality.

This is how it is with my group of friends. I am THE only gay person out of all my straight friends (except for my gay male best friend). I feel like I have to hold back with them and can't be like "Oh, there's this girl at work" or "She's cute". Anytime I talk about women or dating, they accuse me of "always talking about my sexuality". I do agree that I talk about sex itself maybe a little too much, but my sexuality is different. Although it is just one facet of who I am, it still is a big part of me.

I feel weird that I cannot share a big part of my life with my group of friends, that I've been friends with for almost 5 years now. 5 years and a lot has happened individually, and as a group. Among us four, 3 of us dropped out of college, one graduated, one went back to school, all of us got our first full-time jobs, and one spent a year in the South in Americorps. Three of us have dealt with the death of a family member.

And, personally, in our romantic lives: one has had an unrequited love and a boyfriend (both long-distance online romances), another has just recently gotten engaged to her long-time on and off boyfriend, another has been through men (and me)like icecream and there's me- who's gone from being supposedly boy-crazy to falling in love with one of her best female friends and coming-out and dating.

And, now with one of us going to law school in Detroit and engaged, it's made me realize that they all don't know me as well as they used to. I hold back with them, and I feel like they do with me. Maybe this has nothing to do with my sexuality. Maybe this is just how life is and maybe we have all outgrown eachother. But, I don't want it to end this way.

I want it to end, if it must, like my re-occuring dream. Where one of us gets married, and we all come together one last time with our significant others. We put away all of the hurt of the past and have peace once and for all.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These

I feel like sometimes I have ADD, especially in regards to what I want to do in life. I spend waaaaay too much time, at work usually, daydreaming about my future. I dream that I win the lottery, quit my evil job, pay off my debt and travel the world. Or I dream that I open a cool new lesbian club like the L Word, complete with my friend saying nothing but "Baby gurrrrrl". Or I dream that I write an amazing novel and again quit my job and travel the world with my millions.

Or I dream what it would be like if I could go back five years and change what I did after High School. I dream that I would have got my license to drive, gone to community college for two years, then to the big state school in Portland, come out earlier, taken every opportunity to travel, major in graphic design (so I could still be creative, yet make the big bucks), lost weight, and went to grad school.

I know that I could still accomplish those things, but I feel hopeless and unmotivated. And, the biggest thing holding me back from those things are either fear or finances. I feel like I've made a terrible mess of my life in these respects, and I don't know how to fix it. I wish someone would come along into my life and encourage me better myself, yet at the same time still love me for who I am currently.

But, with the women I've met so far this hasn't been the case entirely. They have either been too passive or too straight or too far away or too bad for me. Or I've been too afraid to pursue anything with them (hot co-worker)Hmmm...either way they've been all wrong.

Sometimes, I just think if I could move, I would be able to start over. Go to a place where nobody knows me before I came out. Go where I can meet other women who like women. Go and explore and live. Because where I am both physically and otherwise, it's numbing and boring and stagnate. I just wish I knew where to begin to change.

Maybe Katie is right...

Perhaps, I've been in denial and pigeons really are evil? What do you think?

Friday, November 28, 2008

Counting My Blessings

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Yesterday, although I had work, I was still able to reflect over the past year. I have decided to list everything that I'm thankful for this year.

1. Coming out- Although this has brought a lot of pain in terms of my family and friends' acceptance, I'm still thankful that I had the courage to come out. I'm the happiest I've ever been even with all the pain.

2. My friends- My friends, although it's been tough at times, have never given up on me. They could have stopped pushing me to be greater than I am, but they didn't. I'm so glad to have them in my life.

3. My family- We've had issues and difficulties but we will hopefully always be family. We will get through our current struggles. My parents will eventually get over their denial about my sexuality.

4. My faith- If I had nothing else to support me this year, I always had and will continue to have my faith in Jesus to fall back on.

5. My basic needs- I have my health (mostly), a good job, a place to live, clothes on my back, and a generally good life.

6. My online friends- When all else has failed and I've been in doubt/confused/pain/loneliness, I've always had AfterEllen and my friends there. I could never be able to fully articulate how much you all truly mean to me.

7. The little things- I'm thankful for laughter, board games, days off, sunshine, snow, cuddles, children, animals, good movies, music, and many other things.

Thanks and blessings for you all!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tonight's Plans

I'm seeing these ladies for FREE tonight with FREE booze and a dj/dancing afterwards...Yum Yum... :D

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The best...

This is the best fan video I've come across for Callie and Erica from Grey's Anatomy. It's sung by Sara Ramirez who plays Callie. Gosh, I'm upset again. :P

Monday, November 24, 2008


I hate: When there is nothing to do at work AND then the internet decides to stop working as well.

I love: Today is my Friday. I get to stay up late and make voogles/take sexy pics for AE.

I hate: That my apartment is a fucking pig-sty and I'll have to clean all day tomorrow and possibley Wednesday.

I love: On Wednesday, I get to go see an all-female queer burlesque show with FREE drinks.

I hate: How I don't think my family wants me to come home for Thanksgiving and I will be alone then.

I love: My sister bought eggnog for us to share.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Oh no!

London is everywhere. Spotted this in downtown Portland and thought of my AE friends from the UK. :P I think I need a new hobby. lolz.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Easily Amused part deux

Hahahah...I really need to go to bed. But, hmmm...maybe ABC/Disney has this policy as well. What do you think, Grey's Anatomy and Callica fans? :p

I'm easily amused

This is proof that I have no life entirely. Anyways, look at the things boxed in red in the picture (click for larger version). Coincidence? I think not. :p

Friday, November 21, 2008


This pretty sums up what I feel...yeah...

Scream Club's "On My Mind"
it's 5 am i'm wide awake and feelin' dumb
waitin' for a phone call that ain't gonna come
and i'm tryin' to make sense of time we spent
i'm clueless waitin' for you to give me the hint
how we went from being what i thought was connected
it is hard for me not to put it in perspective
i never required you to make a choice
but i wanted you to be excited by the sound of my voice
and somewhere along the line i became a burden
how and why exactly it happened i'm not certain
if for better or for worse
wrong or right
that i know is i am thinking of you day and night
i can't quite understand why you ignore me
do you just not feel good enough for me
or was i just a distraction from your everyday doin's
and you started feelin' bad when i was catchin' feelings
did you think it was easier just to end
than to tell me that you only want to just be friends
it's a shame you couldn't show me just a little respect
cause now i'm already done with you and onto the next

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

i believe in breathing deep
no defeat
not enough sleep
i keep my feelings mostly to myself
except in times when i need help
i hesitate to let you in
even though i know you want to be friends
i can't begin to make amends
with my fears inside
they make me spin
in the wrong direction
am i only projecting?
should i instead be looking at my own reflection?
i reject the notion of being boring
i seek the adventures that leave me scoring
in the morning, through the day, and back into the night
but i'm still trying for the person who treats me right
you're out of sight, but not out of mind
what was the reason for the two of us to find each other
in this town full of everyone else's lovers
i know i fucked up, that's plain to see
but let me know if there's a second chance for me 'cause

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

(tender forever speaks french)

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with


How I love thee...Let me count the ways:

1. You are not blocked at work. Therefore, you keep me from being insane/bored at HELL.
2. You have awesomely intelligent and thought provoking articles/threads.
3. Oh the, smart, funny, sweet ladies... ;) including but not limited to: Winterskiss, Frosch, Ms. O, pumkin, Cammy, RubberDucky, Jenn, Bridget, Lindsey, Sara, purrito, EJ, GI, PA, Strict, Smith, Rad, T&T, Kimmmayyyyy!, Lizzie, AJ, Swandive, skytops, Krystal, Ikke, FYE, and Fifi. You all, especially some of you, have for the first time in my life, given me a real community of strong women. I am truly blessed to know all of you in some compacity. I know that is hard to do, to really know people online, but I feel like you have all seen the real me which I don't always show people in real life, and that I'm alright just the way I am. I hope you have felt like you could always show your real self to me. I am forever grateful for stumbling upon this awesome group of women. May all of you have love, happiness, and friendship in your life now and always! :)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Lust speaking tonight...

I am always a hopeless romantic, but I've been finding myself more bitter and quite honestly more horny lately. So, with these two combined, I've been feeling more inclined to have a no-strings attached, one-night stand. I don't even know where to begin to get into one of those situations. I mean I have trouble enough meeting ladies to talk to let alone take back to my place. Do you just go up to a woman and dance with her and be like "want to go back to my place and have a fuck?" Ugh...I have no idea. Seriously, I may seem like a player with all the smooth moves online, but I am truly a novice with the ladies in real life. Well, I should go to bed before I do something I regret in the morning.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Food For Thought: Hate, Ignorance, and Fear

Hate is caused by fear and ignorance.

They say that ignorance is bliss. I disagree. Your ignorance is

not my bliss. You ignore my rights of life, liberty, and

pursuit of happiness
. More importantly, you ignore my very

existence. You ignore my choice to marry the one I love just

because she is of the same sex as me. You ignore me and my

representation on television. You ignore me and my voice on the

news. And, if you do show me and others like me, you show us as

stereotypes, as comedic relief.

Well, guess what? I am here. And, there are millions of others

like me. We are your neighbors, your friends, and your family.

We work at your jobs. We pay taxes like you. We live and die

for this country
, all the while being forced out of fear or

other reasons to stay hidden.

But you are fearful, too. Afraid that we will ruin your

. I am not asking to be married in your church. I am

asking for the same rights as you. You are afraid that I will

corrupt your family and children. I am not a pedophile. I

worked for over two years with the children of broken families

that were ruined just fine without me. You are afraid of our

"agenda". We don't have an agenda other than to be treated the

same. We are not wanting "special" rights nor extra rights. We

want the same rights as you. We are not second-class citizens.

Don't fear us. Please educate yourselves. And, then you can stop

the hate.

Because at the end of the day, don't we all look at the same

moon? Don't we all tuck our children in? Don't we all love?

Aren't we all human?

I am

I am.
I am your daughter.
I am your grand-daughter.
I am your niece.
I am your cousin.
I am your sister.
I am your neighbor.
I am your friend.
I am your employee.
I am a Christain.
I am a citizen.
I am an Oregonian.
I am an American.
I may be a lesbian,
but I am also a human.
I just am.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

A Connection

A Connection

You see into the depths of my soul,
making me feel like a newborn foal.
I tell you things that nobody knows,
melting away years of cold winter snows.
You make me laugh and cry out in joy,
I feel like a kid with a new Christmas toy.
I feel this real connection with you.
Is this something I've waited for? Is it true?
How can this be? Why do I feel this way?
What do you feel? And, Will you stay?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I see leaves!

The revolution is beginning today. Stay tuned for more information.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Today was bittersweet.

So the American election was today, and Obama won! Woot!

However, today reminded me how long large scale societal changes really take. Brown V. the Board of Education was in 1954, but we are just now getting our first African American president in 2008.

A further and more personal reminder is the 4 state ballot measures across the country dealing with LGBQT Rights, including Prop. 8 in California and Prop. 2 in Florida. So literally, from sea to shining sea, we, as queer people, do not have the same rights as straight people. We cannot choose to marry another consenting adult as well as adopt a child with our partner, just on the basis of them being of the same-sex. We are not considered equal; we are treated as second class citizens.

Ironically enough, also this week, I learned that my favorite show, Grey's Anatomy, fired unexpectedly the incredibly talented actress Brooke Smith from her role as Dr. Erica Hahn. Now, usually this wouldn't upset and anger me so much, as it is just a television show. However, this was the only positive semi-realistic portrayal of a lesbians on primetime network television. And, although queers as a whole only represent about 10% of the total population in the US, 0% representation in the media does not equal 10%.

On top of this, this is not the first time ABC/Disney has done something like this in terms of showing and promoting gay stereotypes and furthering homophobic practices and ideas. Trust me, I wanted to quit my job, because I was that livid about this. And, if you know me at all, I must think something is pretty unjust for me to risk my job for.

All of these things, in addition to other examples, have really opened my eyes to what a close-minded and hateful society we still live in 2008. I don't want to have to wait another 100 years before queers get the same God-given rights not only here but all over the world. We all deserve the rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of regression as opposed to progression. I'm tired of lies. I'm ready for a change- a real change. Let's be the revolution today!

Friday, October 31, 2008

the 5 w's and h

who will love me for me?
what is keeping me here?
where am i supposed to be instead?
when will i change myself for the better?
why are we so afraid of living?
how do we go from here to there whilst remembering the 5 w's and h?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Between Friends

I'm working on a novel. Here's what I have done so far.

Between Friends

People say that you are not a true Oregonian unless you can travel through its rain without an umbrella. It was only December, though, and Sammie was already growing weary of the almost constant downpour. Sammie was a petite yet round young woman in her early twenties. Her long, wavy brown hair had bits of red in it, letting others remember that she could sometimes be emotional. A hopeless romantic at heart, Sammie's bedroom walls were plastered with posters of John Cusack movies, photographs of Paris, and prints of the Impressionist masters. Sammie wanted everything in her life to be beautiful and peaceful. This led her three best friends to label her as the eternal optimist of the group, because she always expected goodness, like hers, in others. This cold, rainy Monday morning Sammie was on her way to meet her friends for lunch at a neighborhood sandwich shop.

Quietly, Sammie entered the busy shop, heading towards their usual spot in the corner booth. The booth gave the group much more privacy than the rest of the shop allowed. Sammie chuckled to herself as she saw Amber was already there, enthralled by a new book. Amber worked in the financial district so she was always on time, even a little early, for everything. Amber was the shortest of the group with light brown hair which was almost always pulled back in a tight ponytail. Unlike Sammie, Amber was more logical and more often than not followed her head rather than her heart. Amber could seem a bit cold at times to those who did not know her well, but she was just addressing the situation at hand. The only decision Amber could make consistently was that she would change her mind.

It wasn't until Sammie sat down in the booth that Amber tore her eyes away from her treasure. “Hey Amber! How are you?” asked Sammie.

Amber just rolled her eyes in a half annoyed and half teasing way. “I'm doing alright. How about yourself?”

Sammie stuck out her tongue. “The usual. Work is going well. I just wish I would finally get a raise,” Sammie complained. It had been over a year since she had gotten her last one, and that had been after she had worked at the daycare for a year and half first. It's not that Sammie didn't enjoy her job at the daycare. Actually, this was the most fulfilling job that Sammie had ever had. But, this job didn't really pay enough to pay the bills always. Sometimes, she even found that it was not worth all the extra stress and effort she had to put into it.

“You really should look into finding something else. Something that pays better, Sammie,” Amber said concerned.

“I know,” Sammie sheepishly said, shrugging her shoulders.

“Hi you two!” yelped Helen. At 5'10”, Helen was the tallest of the group with green eyes and long red hair. She worked testing computer games. Like most things in her life, this job was something that Helen was naturally good at and just kind of fell into her lap. Helen was like the mother hen of the group. “How are you dearies doing?”

“Good,” they both chimed. Sammie just gave a dorky grin, while Amber rolled her eyes.

“You know, Amber, if you roll your eyes any farther back I think you could see me,” chimed in Tonie. Tonie was the philosopher of the gang, being able to at the same time look at and understand both sides of an argument. The others considered Tonie the moral compass. Tonie was average height for a woman with short, blond hair. She was fit and athletic from the years she played soccer.

Tonie's comment made Sammie and Helen laugh, while Amber just crossed her arms. “Hey, I was only kidding,” defended Tonie. With that, Amber uncrossed her arms and scooted over to make room for Tonie to sit down. “Now that's better. Ugh. I'm so glad it's Friday finally.”
“We are, too,” agreed the three others. Friday nights were the girls' nights together. These nights began with drinks at the Rush, a local club notorious for their strong drinks and attractive patrons. After a few drinks, the girls would head over to one of their places to watch movies, eat greasy delivery pizza, and catch up with each other.

And, this week was no different. The girls got right into the club since they were regulars. Plus, Tonie had briefly dated the handsome bouncer, Mark. They had only been together for a few months, but Tonie broke it off once Mark got too attached. Mark believed that he could “win” back Tonie by letting her and her pals go ahead of the other club goers. Mark looked at Tonie and gave her a little grin.

“Tonie, you really should put him out of his misery,” said Amber.

“Yeah, he looks like a little, cute puppy,” giggled Sammie.

“And, loose our awesome 'skip the long ass line' ticket?” asked Tonie. “No way.”

“Yeah. You're totally right,” they all said together, stifling laughter as they passed Mark.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Rap: Cat on the Prowl

Here's a rap I made for the contest for the vlog Cat on the Prowl on Enjoy!

Yo, watch Cat on the Prowl
as she makes the ladies howl.
She is so very funny
and is as sweet as honey.
When she cruises 'round in Kevyn,
she'll make you feel you're in heaven.
From New York and Paris to Portland and LA,
whether you're black or white, straight or gay,
Cat will make you shout!
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
So, check out Cat on the Prowl
or else you're just foul.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Some poems and songs

"begin" 06.24.08

where to begin?
perhaps the beginning
rain pouring
driving fast
darkness around
looking at you
and just suddenly knowing
like a bolt of lightning
through me,
entirely changing me
and of
us laughing
flash foward
like a flood
to us
no longer us
but were we ever "us"?
we could've been
if you could
only let yourself
what i
i know it's true
because i'm never sure
but this time
i am
so how then
can something i'm so decisive about
completely and utterly
it's not wrong
in any sense
you try tell me that it all
meant nothing to you
like i'm nothing but
another conquest
to make me feel
but you know what?
i'm not
if i could it all over again
i would still
love you
madly, deeply, completely,
head over heels
i've already admitted
that i won't find anything
like what could've been
i am confident
you are not
and actions
speak louder
than words
than the lies you tell me,
try to make me believe
because you're
running from me
into men,
poor substitutions
of me,
trying to prove that you're
not who i know you are
and who i am, too
searching, hiding
what's real
what's true
you may come close,
but nothing will ever
nothing will be the
to what could've been
so you and i should
go back and
but this time

"I forget" 06.07.08 at 3am

I'm drunk.
I will forget tonight.
drinking too many tasty concoctions.
the sweaty, sexy dancing.
talking too loud and too fast.
the money I spent.
But, I wish
I could forget you.
your sweet, sugary lips.
your soft, silky skin.
The way your eyes twinkle
when you think of anyone
but me.
that there's nobody I'd
rather fight with.
that you always push me
to be greater than
I am.
that you've changed me
But most of all,
I wish
I could forget that
I love you.
I'm drunk on you.

"I would" 04.16.08
I would lasso the moon for you.
I would hold you tenderly in my warm arms.
I would gather all the stars from the great black abyss for you.
I would kiss your sweet lips over and over.
I would walk the world for you.
I would hold your hair back for you when you were sick.
I would give you all of me- my beating heart, my passionate soul, my soft body, everything.
I would give you all of these things, and so much more.
But, I know that the only thing that matters, true happiness, I could never give you.
And, the only thing that I really want from you, all of your heart, I could never get.
So, I would live a lonely lifetime without you.

"Imagine" 04.12.08
I imagine our tongues intertwine
like juicy red vines.
I imagine my hand caressing your
sweet body until you soar.
I imagine my lips tracing the words
"I love you" until I'm cured.
I imagine you loving me, too
in a way that's so true.
I imagine the rain
covering all my pain.
I imagine no more tears
and being with you for years.
You say it's not me, but I don't believe you.
So, I just imagine.

"Freaking Out"
I watch you sleep, wondering if you're dreaming of me.
It freaks you out.
I look longingly into your eyes, as though my passion will pierce your soul.
It freaks you out.
I want to romance and woo you, to prove to you that your worth it.
It freaks you out.
I am perfectly content just laying there, holding you in my arms, to protect you, to cherish you, to keep you and never let you go, to just be and forget the rush and worry of the world.
It freaks you out.
I freak you out.

"A Moment"
A sweet sugary scent seduces me,
There is an earlier time.
When I gently brushed
your silky hair out of your face,
placing the delicate strands behind your ear.
I stopped to touch your soft cheeks,
my fingers tracing small circles.
Like a child ice skating,
I was afraid of slipping and hurting myself.
Then, your eyes looked into mine.
I was captivated and comforted.
Time stopped.
Wet and warm,
electricity exchanged as our lips met.
Quickly and quietly,

You think that I'm naïve. Maybe I am. But, maybe you are too cynical.
You think that I'm too fricking chipper. Maybe I am. But, maybe you are too sad.
You think that I'm unrestrained at times. Maybe I am. But, maybe you are too afraid to be free.
You think that I'm seeing you in an unrealistic way. Maybe I am. But, maybe I just don't talk about the negative things.
You think that I'm being used by you. Maybe I am. But, maybe I give you things that I've always really wanted to.
You think that I'm hopelessly trying. Maybe I am. But, maybe you should look deep inside and really try.
You think that I'm not what you want. Maybe I am. But, maybe I'm just what you need.

“Sweet Dreams are Made of These”

Your lines of a haiku
the air,
suddenly jolting my soul.
I remember moments
of uncensored passion.
Of tumbling and touching and tenderness.
Of innocence and intrigue.
Of wonder and warmth.
Why do these times seem as though
they were just dreams?
You wanted me then,
but now you just


Like a moth to a flaming fire, your ruby lips beckon me.
Like the seven sparkling seas, I get lost in your eyes.
Your hips hypnotize me the way they sway.
You come close enough for me to take you in, and I remember your gentle touch.
Your shiny smile warms my lonely life.
Like rivers of smoothly melted chocolate, your silky hair flows gently down your back.
Like satin sheets, your soft skin brushes mine ever so slightly, making me want to be wrapped up and tangled in you.
Like a great work of art, you leave me in breathless awe.

"Once" 09.16.07
Once you looked at me,
I knew.
Once you touched me,
I flew.
Once you laughed,
I melted.
Once our minds crossed,
I felt it.

Once you kiss me,
you'll know.
Once you open up,
you'll flow.
Once you let it happen,
you'll fall.
Once you see me differently,
you'll call.

"Strange" 09.15.07
Life is strange
because it turns out
how I expect

Love is strange
because it never comes
when I want.

Friendship is strange
because it never seems
to last forever.

Family is strange
because it never chose me;
I chose.

You are strange
because you never see me
that way.

I am strange
because I care for you
when I shouldn't.

"Jesus and Me" 02.12.07
I fall.
Tears fall.
Blood's shed.
He rises.
I rise
and live.

"More Than Her" (a song) 02.05.07

What's the big deal?
Why is everyone so crazy
about her?
Who's idea was it?
How come she is everywhere you look?
Why is there no escape?
I want something more than her.

She has her nails down everyone's back,
all over the world,
since the dawn of man.
She is lustful
causing so much confusion.
I want something more than her.

I've had enough of this captivation.
I want a different motivation
for life.
I need a change.
Don't you?
I want something more than her.

More than lies,
More than pain.
Something truer,
Something greater,
Something we were created for.
I want something more than her.

"Maybe" (a song) 02.05.07

Maybe love is over-rated.
Or maybe you're just
Maybe crying is for the weak.
Or maybe you're just
Tired of smiling through the pain.

Maybe oh maybe

Maybe the world is out of control
Or maybe you're just
Maybe life is just a joke.
Or maybe you're just
Not living.

Maybe oh maybe

But, maybe,
Just maybe,
There's a better way.
And that there's hope
For you
And me
And everyone.
All you gotta do is believe.

"Pas vous? (Won't You?)" 11.05.06

Votre sourire fond (your smile melts)
un coeur glacial (an icy heart)
comme (like)
chaleur du soleil. (heat from the sun)
Ne sourirez-vous pas à moi ? (won't you smile at me?)

Vos yeux sont (your eyes are)
profonds et mystérieux (deep and mysterious)
comme (like)
l'océan. (the ocean)
Ne regarderez-vous pas dans le mien ? (won't you look into mine?)

Vos bras s'étendent (your arms streach)
autour de moi (around me)
comme (like)
couverture chaude. (a warm blanket)
Ne me toucherez-vous pas ? (won't you touch me?)

Vos lèvres m'appellent, (your lips call me)
dodus et juteux (plump and wet)
comme (like)
pomme rouge. (a red apple)
Ne m'embrasserez-vous pas ? (won't you kiss me?)

Vous êtes quelqu'un (you are someone)
de que j'ai (who I)
besoin et veux. (need and want)
Ne me désirez-vous pas aussi ? (Don't you desire me, too?)

"My Soul Aches" 09.29.06

In my life,
there's so much strife.
This cross I'm bearin'
is greatly tearin'
me up inside
and I sit and cry,

My soul aches
to see Your face.
Life seems to take
such a slow pace
until I can
see You,
the greatest Man
the world ever knew.

At night, I pray
and You say,
"Come here, my child,
sit and be mild.
You're lookin' for a sign?
Just know you're mine!"

Repeat chorus

So, now I feel safe and sound
that my ant hill isn't a giant mound
of unbearable sadness and pain.
Instead, Your kindness I gain.
I must make the most of
this life and Your unending love,

Repeat Chorus 2X

My soul no longer aches
to see Your face.
Life seems to take
such a fast pace
until I can
see wonderful You,
the greatest Man
I ever knew.

"Just You" 03.16.06

I walk down the long, quiet street.
No one is here with me
but You.
I feel the cool, calming breeze
that's you.

Chorus: Others may try to explain this mess
of a world around me.
They think that I make no sense,
that I'm crazy.
But, I know that it's true;
it's just you.

I sit and look at the bright stars
away from the city lights, cars, and bars
with You.
I ponder life with the love and safety of the moon
that's you.

Repeat Chorus

When I'm running with
tears streaming down my face, I've
already won the race
because of You.
People may say it's just the rain,
but I know
that it's you.

Repeat Chorus 2X

Childhood Flashback

Came across this at work today on my break. Lolz...I have a dirty mind.
Press this sweet pony figures back and watch her crawl her way over to you and right into your heart!

My Little Pony Pinkie Pie Pony Jumbo Plush
Every day is full of surprises for this young pony. PINKIE PIE loves to spend part of every day trying something she's never tried before!

Hasbro Play-Doh: My Little Pony Pinkie Pie Pretty Parlor Playset
Help Pinkie Pie look her very best when you "grow", cut and style her mane and tail.

The Perfect Kiss: A short descriptive piece

well, first of all it would be best if it was with someone I cared for. I think physical intimacy is all the more enjoyable and special if you have that emotional/intellectual intimacy to begin with.

The location of said kiss is also important. I, for one, am a sucker for romance. Now, it doesn't have to be any kind of big ordeal. Spontanity works wonders. Perhaps, a midnight picnic under the stars. We are both sitting together in a big open clearing in the forest on a nice big blanket. We eat together some delicious food that I have prepared, including feeding eachother some nice, juicy chocolate covered strawberries. I gently wipe away the juice that is dripping down your mouth with my soft fingers (just to tease you a little).

Then, I cuddle up behind you closely, wrapping the blanket up around us. As we look at the black, sparkling sky, we suddenly see a shooting star. I close my eyes tightly and make a wish. You ask me quietly what I wished for. Without a word, I slowly breathe with my warm breath on your cold neck.

Next, I delicately turn you to face me as I am kissing from the back of your neck to the front. I pull back and look deeply into your eyes for a moment, getting lost inside. I smile just a little grin and pull you close to me as our lips meet in a sweet yet sensual dance. I then brush my cheek softly against yours for a minute. I hear your breathe quicken, so I plant little kisses all over your face, on your forehead, cheeks, eyelids, nose, and finally again on your mouth. Once there, the kissing gets more intense and passionate. I trace the contours of your lips with my tongue until they part and our tongues gently and then intensely tangle and intertwine together until we cannot breath. We breathlessly part and I go back to holding you from behind as before.

I whisper into your ear that that was what I wished for, with a devilish grin on my face and sending shivers up and down your back.

Monday, August 25, 2008

First Post

So, I have been really thinking about life lately. I really want to talk about my life, but there are bits and pieces that I don't want my family nor some of my real life friends to know about. So, I decided to start this blog. Hopefully, it will let me deal with a lot of things that other people don't know about me but I need to get off my chest. Enjoy! And, please leave comments! :D