Strength vs. Weakness: A Rambling...

Does real strength come from what you don't do? Or does it come from what you allow yourself to do? With the passing of my friend, I have wondered this. Am I strong for not letting myself cry at work, with friends, with family about missing her? Or am I stronger for letting myself cry at home or with a friend over the phone? Is it weak of me not to cry? Is it bad of me to smile? I know she would want us to be glad that she is in a better place. I truly am, because she cannot feel anymore pain. But, how is that supposed to comfort her family, her finance, her friends, me? How am I supposed to pretend that I am okay and move on? Am I honoring her memory by making positive changes to my life such as working out and being healthy? How do I continue to make change when I feel defeated, sad, bitter, angry, and so so very alone, not just because of her death but because of where I am in my life? I know I am loved. But, it's like being in a room full of people, even with those who knew Sam, and still I feel completely and utterly alone. Everyone keeps asking me what makes me happy, what do I want. I know what I want. But, either I cannot have it or I don't know how to get there. I feel so lost and confused. I'm scared. And, I miss her.

Celebration of a Life

Yesterday, I went to my friend Sam's funeral and burial. What a beautiful service it was; Sam would have loved it. It suprisingly didn't rain. Sam is buried near her four miscarried babies. I just know she is up in Heaven holding them and looking down on us all and smiling. I've definitely felt her presence around me. Here is her
obituary:

Samantha Rae Fuller lost her battle with cancer on Wednesday, February 11, 2009 at 12:18 p.m. in Oregon. She was 27 years old.

Samantha was born in Cannon Falls on September 1, 1981 at 12:18 p.m., the daughter of Kristi (Norstad) and Robert Fuller.

She fought two courageous battles against childhood leukemia at the ages of 3 and again at 6, and won! She attended Elementary and High Schools in the Beaverton, Oregon area.

Samantha was a young woman with a perpetual smile. She always had an amazing glow of happiness on her face and was always concerned about everyone around her. Sam had a wonderful heart and soul and will be missed by many. Her charming personality, wit and awe of life has impacted everyone who knew her. She leaves a big hole in our hearts.

She is survived by her parents Kristi (Norstad) and Robert Fuller, her sister Alyssa Fuller, and Samantha’s fiancé’ Nick Fleming and his family, all of Portland, OR. She is also survived by many aunts and uncles, RoseAnn (Norstad) and Jake Lindsey, Orlando and Kathy Norstad, Gary and Mary Norstad, Jim and Bonnie Norstad, Bob and Martha Norstad, Steve and Linda Norstad, Jarle and Debra Norstad, Deb Norstad, MaryLee (Fuller) and Darryl Nelson, Kathy (Fuller) and Tom Favilla, Steve and Laurie Fuller, and Liz (Fuller) and Matt Nelson; and many cousins and friends. She also loved her two cats, Sophie and Yoda.

She is preceded in death by her four miscarried babies. Sam wanted to be a mother so much and now the Lord has put her little babies in her arms. She was also preceded in death by her paternal grandparents, Lee and Mary Ann Fuller, and maternal grandparents, Orlando and Edna Norstad.

She will be forever in our hearts, and missed forever!

Funeral service will be held on Tuesday at 11 a.m. at the Finley-Sunset Hills Mortuary in Portland, OR. Burial will follow at Mt Calvary Catholic Cemetery in Portland. A visitation will be held on Monday from 11 a.m. - 4 p.m. at Finley-Sunset Hills Mortuary.

She will be missed but not forgotten. Thank you Sam for your friendship. The impact you've had on me and my life will last forver. Sleep well, my dear friend.

To my dear friend, Sam... RIP

Samage,
Even though I didn't know you very long, I'm blessed to have called you my friend. You were an amazing woman, truly the type to give the shirt off your back. You were kind and always made me laugh. You always listened and never judged. I'm going to really miss you, but I know that you are in a better place now, with no more pain. Make sure you send down some angels for us, especially Allie. I know you're gonna be smiling down and watching over us all. I love you, and I'll never forget you.
Love,
Chrissie :)


In memory:
Samantha Rae Fuller
9/1/81 12:18pm - 2/11/09 12:18pm