Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Strength vs. Weakness: A Rambling...

Does real strength come from what you don't do? Or does it come from what you allow yourself to do? With the passing of my friend, I have wondered this. Am I strong for not letting myself cry at work, with friends, with family about missing her? Or am I stronger for letting myself cry at home or with a friend over the phone? Is it weak of me not to cry? Is it bad of me to smile? I know she would want us to be glad that she is in a better place. I truly am, because she cannot feel anymore pain. But, how is that supposed to comfort her family, her finance, her friends, me? How am I supposed to pretend that I am okay and move on? Am I honoring her memory by making positive changes to my life such as working out and being healthy? How do I continue to make change when I feel defeated, sad, bitter, angry, and so so very alone, not just because of her death but because of where I am in my life? I know I am loved. But, it's like being in a room full of people, even with those who knew Sam, and still I feel completely and utterly alone. Everyone keeps asking me what makes me happy, what do I want. I know what I want. But, either I cannot have it or I don't know how to get there. I feel so lost and confused. I'm scared. And, I miss her.

1 comment:

frosch411 said...

I feel your pain Chrissie...you are not alone, although this statement may not be enough comfort.

You have at least a grasp of what you want, despite the fact it's not materialising...I don't know what I want, well at least in some major areas of life...I wish I knew the answers...all I can do is wander through life, attempt to be patient and hope not to be knocked.

I wish you strength, and more importantly the tenacity not to be disheartened.

J.