I'm in love!

LOL...so I've become utterly obsessed with this little coupling on Guiding Light known as Otalia. So much so that I've even made several fan videos. My most recent one:



for more information on my addiction (and you all should join me; we have cookies):
YouTube Clips
Big, Purple Dreams fan board

If I'm alive, why do I feel dead?

Strength vs. Weakness: A Rambling...

Does real strength come from what you don't do? Or does it come from what you allow yourself to do? With the passing of my friend, I have wondered this. Am I strong for not letting myself cry at work, with friends, with family about missing her? Or am I stronger for letting myself cry at home or with a friend over the phone? Is it weak of me not to cry? Is it bad of me to smile? I know she would want us to be glad that she is in a better place. I truly am, because she cannot feel anymore pain. But, how is that supposed to comfort her family, her finance, her friends, me? How am I supposed to pretend that I am okay and move on? Am I honoring her memory by making positive changes to my life such as working out and being healthy? How do I continue to make change when I feel defeated, sad, bitter, angry, and so so very alone, not just because of her death but because of where I am in my life? I know I am loved. But, it's like being in a room full of people, even with those who knew Sam, and still I feel completely and utterly alone. Everyone keeps asking me what makes me happy, what do I want. I know what I want. But, either I cannot have it or I don't know how to get there. I feel so lost and confused. I'm scared. And, I miss her.

Celebration of a Life

Yesterday, I went to my friend Sam's funeral and burial. What a beautiful service it was; Sam would have loved it. It suprisingly didn't rain. Sam is buried near her four miscarried babies. I just know she is up in Heaven holding them and looking down on us all and smiling. I've definitely felt her presence around me. Here is her
obituary:

Samantha Rae Fuller lost her battle with cancer on Wednesday, February 11, 2009 at 12:18 p.m. in Oregon. She was 27 years old.

Samantha was born in Cannon Falls on September 1, 1981 at 12:18 p.m., the daughter of Kristi (Norstad) and Robert Fuller.

She fought two courageous battles against childhood leukemia at the ages of 3 and again at 6, and won! She attended Elementary and High Schools in the Beaverton, Oregon area.

Samantha was a young woman with a perpetual smile. She always had an amazing glow of happiness on her face and was always concerned about everyone around her. Sam had a wonderful heart and soul and will be missed by many. Her charming personality, wit and awe of life has impacted everyone who knew her. She leaves a big hole in our hearts.

She is survived by her parents Kristi (Norstad) and Robert Fuller, her sister Alyssa Fuller, and Samantha’s fiancé’ Nick Fleming and his family, all of Portland, OR. She is also survived by many aunts and uncles, RoseAnn (Norstad) and Jake Lindsey, Orlando and Kathy Norstad, Gary and Mary Norstad, Jim and Bonnie Norstad, Bob and Martha Norstad, Steve and Linda Norstad, Jarle and Debra Norstad, Deb Norstad, MaryLee (Fuller) and Darryl Nelson, Kathy (Fuller) and Tom Favilla, Steve and Laurie Fuller, and Liz (Fuller) and Matt Nelson; and many cousins and friends. She also loved her two cats, Sophie and Yoda.

She is preceded in death by her four miscarried babies. Sam wanted to be a mother so much and now the Lord has put her little babies in her arms. She was also preceded in death by her paternal grandparents, Lee and Mary Ann Fuller, and maternal grandparents, Orlando and Edna Norstad.

She will be forever in our hearts, and missed forever!

Funeral service will be held on Tuesday at 11 a.m. at the Finley-Sunset Hills Mortuary in Portland, OR. Burial will follow at Mt Calvary Catholic Cemetery in Portland. A visitation will be held on Monday from 11 a.m. - 4 p.m. at Finley-Sunset Hills Mortuary.

She will be missed but not forgotten. Thank you Sam for your friendship. The impact you've had on me and my life will last forver. Sleep well, my dear friend.

To my dear friend, Sam... RIP

Samage,
Even though I didn't know you very long, I'm blessed to have called you my friend. You were an amazing woman, truly the type to give the shirt off your back. You were kind and always made me laugh. You always listened and never judged. I'm going to really miss you, but I know that you are in a better place now, with no more pain. Make sure you send down some angels for us, especially Allie. I know you're gonna be smiling down and watching over us all. I love you, and I'll never forget you.
Love,
Chrissie :)


In memory:
Samantha Rae Fuller
9/1/81 12:18pm - 2/11/09 12:18pm

Well that explains a lot...

Geez, my period started today complete with killer cramps. Now this explains the following for the past week: extra moodiness, cravings for salt/beef, extreme fatigue, soreness, and being hungry. Some of you might be "well duh, it was PMS". However, my menstrual cycle always has been weird/irregular since I had my first one at 11.

So, I apologize if I've gone off at you lately or cried uncontrollably. :p

A dream partially fulfilled...

Today, in the US is Martin Luther King JR day.

Here's an excerpt from his famous "I Have a Dream" speech:

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

So, my fellow Americans let us celebrate this great man and another one hopefully, President-elect Barack Obama. Part of MLK Junior's dream has been fulfilled. Let us hope that all of our dreams are fulfilled. We are witnessesing history in the making.

Night Terrors...

For the past two weeks or so, I have been having trouble falling asleep. And, when I do finally fall asleep, I've been tending to have night terrors. Horrible dreams of death and destruction. I think a lot of it has been due to the stress of my waking life dealing with my friend with cancer and financial/work issues. Last night it was especially bad. I went to bed about 11pm and couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am. This morning, just my luck, I had to be up early at like 7:30am.

Well, I woke up at 7am to the sun shining through my blinds. This has been the first time in awhile that a) I've been up this early b) The sun woke me up c) The sun has actually been out. I hope that this is a sign that times will start to look up for me. The following poem is an expression of what it has been like for me lately, with part of it mentally written at 1:30am this morning.

Night Terrors

The whirling wind wildly whips
against the clear and crisp
black abyss of the sky,
which envelops itself around
the old wise trees.
These trees outstretch their limbs
looking for any sort of comfort.
A storm suddenly enters the dark, long night
ruining the solace the trees seek.
The wind grows angry,
howling now over and under
the weakened branches.
Rain drips down my window pane,
bringing the torture outside to me.
My tears begin to stream
down
my face,
staining my freshly white sheets.
I lie there as the turmoil
is released slowly in silent screaming.
Many nights have passed or so it seems.
The clock strikes two with a clank,
and still I cannot find relief.
I wonder if this all torments you as much as me.
Or are you finally sleeping and slumbering tonight?
Dawn breaks, the clouds dissipate,
and the rain on my pillow dries
as I drift off, swollen and beaten
to the only place that is safe,
dreaming
of
you.

Never thought I would say this...

but sometimes



ignorance is bliss....

A lil' bit country

Sometimes all you need is a lil' bit of country music...One of my favorite artists is Carrie Underwood. I always can seem to get something important out of her songs. These ones seem really relevant to me right now. Enjoy!

So Small





Wheel of the World

How do you measure a year?

Rent Cast - Seasons Of Love Lyrics

COMPANY
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.

SOLOIST 1
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

SOLOIST 2
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

COMPANY
It’s time now to sing out, though the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends. Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love

Love, I have determined, is really the meaning of life. But, it is not always that simple. Love is complicated and painful. Love is easy and joyful. Love is. People have died for love. People have lived for love. People have killed for love. People have created life for love.

Love is tricky, though. Because generally, you can choose who you are with, you cannot choose whom you love. Life is a never-ending, overlapping, and geometrical connection from me to you to her to him to him to her to you to me. Love is rarely as simple as I love you and you love me. Usually, it is much more than that.

This is the part that makes life interesting and worthwhile. How much do you love? How much do I love? How far would you go for love? How far would I go? Would you move across the world for love? Would you change your job for love? Would you leave your family for love? Would you sell all you own for love? Would you kill for love? Would you die for love? Would you lie, cheat, and steal for love? Would you give up sex for love?

As much as I would like to think I would do anything for love, maybe I won't do that, whatever that that entails. Should we all just love the one we're with since we cannot be with the one we love? With love, there comes a breaking point. How far can you bend until you break?

EPIC Week

This week has been epic...heartage for you all...that is all. :)

Hmmm...

I think I was played in the worse way possible...either that or I've gone crazy.

Deep Desire

my desire for you burns from deep inside
as it drips slowly down my thigh
like ice cream down a cone
just the thought of you makes me moan
i want you so bad
that it makes me feel mad
i want to be
kissing you
touching you
holding you
caressing you
licking you
until
your desire for me burns from deep inside
and it slowly drips down your thigh.

The Dead of Winter

Winter is associated with cold and darkness. During winter, plants die, birds fly south, and bears hibernate. However, when Spring rolls around things literally burst and bloom back to life. Like Nature, human lives are often times intertwined with the symbolism of Winter and Spring.

My life lately has truly seen this. In early November, my 96 year-old great-grandmother Lillian passed away after a long,hard body and mind destroying battle with Alzheimer's and, as we later found out, cancer. Just a few weeks later, my 18 year-old cousin Jenny announced to her family, which worked its way through the grapevine, that she is pregnant. So within a month, my family has gone from death to life, sadness to happiness.

My job cut my hours down, which has given me some additional financial hardships. But, also, it gave me the opportunity to go home and be with my family for Christmas. Surprisingly, Christmas was normal. For once, my family (specifically my parents) and I did not fight about my sexuality. Although I believe it has more to do with a "don't ask, don't tell" denial mentality rather than actual acceptance, it nonetheless, was nice to be a part of the family again.

My friendships with some of my closest friends have seemingly ceased to exist because of romantic relationships, distance, and just generally a change in life priorities. At the same time, though, there has been greater closeness with some people from work and other places.

So, it seems that like me, maybe humanity as a whole works this way. Maybe we need the hard, lonely, sad, dark, and utterly depressing times to get to and appreciate the easy, joyful, loving, light, and happy things in life. I mean, what would be
the point of life otherwise? Some things I think are random and don't happen because of any reasoning. But, aren't some things fated? Destined? Planned?

Then again, why do bad things happen to good people? Why children die before their parents? Why does someone who never smoked a day in their life get lung cancer? Why do people who commit tax fraud and swindle millions upon millions out of their employees get a slap on the wrist, while the same swindled employees get hard time in jail for stealing for their families? Why are good, loving people alone and single? Why?

Perhaps, there are no answers. People are born. die. get cancer. don't get sick. laugh. cry. rich. poor. loved. unloved. People just are.

However, a part of me, the optimistic in me, sometimes wishes life was more like one of those choose your own adventure books. I feel like I've made some incredible mistakes in my past and if I could I would go back and change things. But, then I remember, my mistakes, my lonely Winter, makes me stronger and brings me to that Spring, that glorious Spring, full of child-like wonder and love. So, I just need to remind myself, that I am worth it; I will get through this Winter (with money worries, family issues, and a sad heart) to my Spring. It is out there waiting for me!

So, what do you think? Are you currently in your Winter? or Spring? comments? questions? Leave 'em below! :)