The Two Sides of Me

Geez, I'm in a contemplative mood today. Anyways, Amy's blog got me to thinking about my group of friends and I. Amy wrote:

If your primary friend group is straight, I think a little part of you always feels like you have to be on guard, like you're hiding a small part of yourself, no matter how comfortable you are with your sexuality.

This is how it is with my group of friends. I am THE only gay person out of all my straight friends (except for my gay male best friend). I feel like I have to hold back with them and can't be like "Oh, there's this girl at work" or "She's cute". Anytime I talk about women or dating, they accuse me of "always talking about my sexuality". I do agree that I talk about sex itself maybe a little too much, but my sexuality is different. Although it is just one facet of who I am, it still is a big part of me.

I feel weird that I cannot share a big part of my life with my group of friends, that I've been friends with for almost 5 years now. 5 years and a lot has happened individually, and as a group. Among us four, 3 of us dropped out of college, one graduated, one went back to school, all of us got our first full-time jobs, and one spent a year in the South in Americorps. Three of us have dealt with the death of a family member.

And, personally, in our romantic lives: one has had an unrequited love and a boyfriend (both long-distance online romances), another has just recently gotten engaged to her long-time on and off boyfriend, another has been through men (and me)like icecream and there's me- who's gone from being supposedly boy-crazy to falling in love with one of her best female friends and coming-out and dating.

And, now with one of us going to law school in Detroit and engaged, it's made me realize that they all don't know me as well as they used to. I hold back with them, and I feel like they do with me. Maybe this has nothing to do with my sexuality. Maybe this is just how life is and maybe we have all outgrown eachother. But, I don't want it to end this way.

I want it to end, if it must, like my re-occuring dream. Where one of us gets married, and we all come together one last time with our significant others. We put away all of the hurt of the past and have peace once and for all.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These

I feel like sometimes I have ADD, especially in regards to what I want to do in life. I spend waaaaay too much time, at work usually, daydreaming about my future. I dream that I win the lottery, quit my evil job, pay off my debt and travel the world. Or I dream that I open a cool new lesbian club like the L Word, complete with my friend saying nothing but "Baby gurrrrrl". Or I dream that I write an amazing novel and again quit my job and travel the world with my millions.


Or I dream what it would be like if I could go back five years and change what I did after High School. I dream that I would have got my license to drive, gone to community college for two years, then to the big state school in Portland, come out earlier, taken every opportunity to travel, major in graphic design (so I could still be creative, yet make the big bucks), lost weight, and went to grad school.


I know that I could still accomplish those things, but I feel hopeless and unmotivated. And, the biggest thing holding me back from those things are either fear or finances. I feel like I've made a terrible mess of my life in these respects, and I don't know how to fix it. I wish someone would come along into my life and encourage me better myself, yet at the same time still love me for who I am currently.


But, with the women I've met so far this hasn't been the case entirely. They have either been too passive or too straight or too far away or too bad for me. Or I've been too afraid to pursue anything with them (hot co-worker)Hmmm...either way they've been all wrong.


Sometimes, I just think if I could move, I would be able to start over. Go to a place where nobody knows me before I came out. Go where I can meet other women who like women. Go and explore and live. Because where I am both physically and otherwise, it's numbing and boring and stagnate. I just wish I knew where to begin to change.

Maybe Katie is right...

Perhaps, I've been in denial and pigeons really are evil? What do you think?

Counting My Blessings

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Yesterday, although I had work, I was still able to reflect over the past year. I have decided to list everything that I'm thankful for this year.


1. Coming out- Although this has brought a lot of pain in terms of my family and friends' acceptance, I'm still thankful that I had the courage to come out. I'm the happiest I've ever been even with all the pain.

2. My friends- My friends, although it's been tough at times, have never given up on me. They could have stopped pushing me to be greater than I am, but they didn't. I'm so glad to have them in my life.

3. My family- We've had issues and difficulties but we will hopefully always be family. We will get through our current struggles. My parents will eventually get over their denial about my sexuality.

4. My faith- If I had nothing else to support me this year, I always had and will continue to have my faith in Jesus to fall back on.

5. My basic needs- I have my health (mostly), a good job, a place to live, clothes on my back, and a generally good life.

6. My online friends- When all else has failed and I've been in doubt/confused/pain/loneliness, I've always had AfterEllen and my friends there. I could never be able to fully articulate how much you all truly mean to me.

7. The little things- I'm thankful for laughter, board games, days off, sunshine, snow, cuddles, children, animals, good movies, music, and many other things.

Thanks and blessings for you all!

Tonight's Plans

I'm seeing these ladies for FREE tonight with FREE booze and a dj/dancing afterwards...Yum Yum... :D

The best...

This is the best fan video I've come across for Callie and Erica from Grey's Anatomy. It's sung by Sara Ramirez who plays Callie. Gosh, I'm upset again. :P

Love/Hate

I hate: When there is nothing to do at work AND then the internet decides to stop working as well.

I love: Today is my Friday. I get to stay up late and make voogles/take sexy pics for AE.

I hate: That my apartment is a fucking pig-sty and I'll have to clean all day tomorrow and possibley Wednesday.

I love: On Wednesday, I get to go see an all-female queer burlesque show with FREE drinks.

I hate: How I don't think my family wants me to come home for Thanksgiving and I will be alone then.

I love: My sister bought eggnog for us to share.

Oh no!

London is everywhere. Spotted this in downtown Portland and thought of my AE friends from the UK. :P I think I need a new hobby. lolz.

Easily Amused part deux

Hahahah...I really need to go to bed. But, hmmm...maybe ABC/Disney has this policy as well. What do you think, Grey's Anatomy and Callica fans? :p

I'm easily amused

This is proof that I have no life entirely. Anyways, look at the things boxed in red in the picture (click for larger version). Coincidence? I think not. :p

Hmmm...

This pretty sums up what I feel...yeah...

Scream Club's "On My Mind"
it's 5 am i'm wide awake and feelin' dumb
waitin' for a phone call that ain't gonna come
and i'm tryin' to make sense of time we spent
i'm clueless waitin' for you to give me the hint
how we went from being what i thought was connected
it is hard for me not to put it in perspective
i never required you to make a choice
but i wanted you to be excited by the sound of my voice
and somewhere along the line i became a burden
how and why exactly it happened i'm not certain
if for better or for worse
wrong or right
that i know is i am thinking of you day and night
i can't quite understand why you ignore me
do you just not feel good enough for me
or was i just a distraction from your everyday doin's
and you started feelin' bad when i was catchin' feelings
did you think it was easier just to end
than to tell me that you only want to just be friends
it's a shame you couldn't show me just a little respect
cause now i'm already done with you and onto the next

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

i believe in breathing deep
no defeat
not enough sleep
i keep my feelings mostly to myself
except in times when i need help
i hesitate to let you in
even though i know you want to be friends
i can't begin to make amends
with my fears inside
they make me spin
in the wrong direction
am i only projecting?
should i instead be looking at my own reflection?
i reject the notion of being boring
i seek the adventures that leave me scoring
in the morning, through the day, and back into the night
but i'm still trying for the person who treats me right
you're out of sight, but not out of mind
what was the reason for the two of us to find each other
in this town full of everyone else's lovers
i know i fucked up, that's plain to see
but let me know if there's a second chance for me 'cause

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

(tender forever speaks french)

you've been
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
on my mind
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with
pick your heart up off the ground
(on my mind)
but i'm tryin to get rid of all these feelings that i'm dealing with

AfterEllen

How I love thee...Let me count the ways:

1. You are not blocked at work. Therefore, you keep me from being insane/bored at HELL.
2. You have awesomely intelligent and thought provoking articles/threads.
3. Oh the ladies...hot, smart, funny, sweet ladies... ;) including but not limited to: Winterskiss, Frosch, Ms. O, pumkin, Cammy, RubberDucky, Jenn, Bridget, Lindsey, Sara, purrito, EJ, GI, PA, Strict, Smith, Rad, T&T, Kimmmayyyyy!, Lizzie, AJ, Swandive, skytops, Krystal, Ikke, FYE, and Fifi. You all, especially some of you, have for the first time in my life, given me a real community of strong women. I am truly blessed to know all of you in some compacity. I know that is hard to do, to really know people online, but I feel like you have all seen the real me which I don't always show people in real life, and that I'm alright just the way I am. I hope you have felt like you could always show your real self to me. I am forever grateful for stumbling upon this awesome group of women. May all of you have love, happiness, and friendship in your life now and always! :)

Lust speaking tonight...

I am always a hopeless romantic, but I've been finding myself more bitter and quite honestly more horny lately. So, with these two combined, I've been feeling more inclined to have a no-strings attached, one-night stand. I don't even know where to begin to get into one of those situations. I mean I have trouble enough meeting ladies to talk to let alone take back to my place. Do you just go up to a woman and dance with her and be like "want to go back to my place and have a fuck?" Ugh...I have no idea. Seriously, I may seem like a player with all the smooth moves online, but I am truly a novice with the ladies in real life. Well, I should go to bed before I do something I regret in the morning.

Food For Thought: Hate, Ignorance, and Fear

Hate is caused by fear and ignorance.

They say that ignorance is bliss. I disagree. Your ignorance is

not my bliss. You ignore my rights of life, liberty, and

pursuit of happiness. More importantly, you ignore my very

existence. You ignore my choice to marry the one I love just

because she is of the same sex as me. You ignore me and my

representation on television. You ignore me and my voice on the

news. And, if you do show me and others like me, you show us as

stereotypes, as comedic relief.

Well, guess what? I am here. And, there are millions of others

like me. We are your neighbors, your friends, and your family.

We work at your jobs. We pay taxes like you. We live and die

for this country, all the while being forced out of fear or

other reasons to stay hidden.

But you are fearful, too. Afraid that we will ruin your

marriage. I am not asking to be married in your church. I am

asking for the same rights as you. You are afraid that I will

corrupt your family and children. I am not a pedophile. I

worked for over two years with the children of broken families

that were ruined just fine without me. You are afraid of our

"agenda". We don't have an agenda other than to be treated the

same. We are not wanting "special" rights nor extra rights. We

want the same rights as you. We are not second-class citizens.

Don't fear us. Please educate yourselves. And, then you can stop

the hate.

Because at the end of the day, don't we all look at the same

moon? Don't we all tuck our children in? Don't we all love?

Aren't we all human?

I am

I am.
I am your daughter.
I am your grand-daughter.
I am your niece.
I am your cousin.
I am your sister.
I am your neighbor.
I am your friend.
I am your employee.
I am a Christain.
I am a citizen.
I am an Oregonian.
I am an American.
I may be a lesbian,
but I am also a human.
I just am.

A Connection

A Connection


You see into the depths of my soul,
making me feel like a newborn foal.
I tell you things that nobody knows,
melting away years of cold winter snows.
You make me laugh and cry out in joy,
I feel like a kid with a new Christmas toy.
I feel this real connection with you.
Is this something I've waited for? Is it true?
How can this be? Why do I feel this way?
What do you feel? And, Will you stay?

I see leaves!

The revolution is beginning today. Stay tuned for more information.

Bittersweetness...

Today was bittersweet.

So the American election was today, and Obama won! Woot!

However, today reminded me how long large scale societal changes really take. Brown V. the Board of Education was in 1954, but we are just now getting our first African American president in 2008.

A further and more personal reminder is the 4 state ballot measures across the country dealing with LGBQT Rights, including Prop. 8 in California and Prop. 2 in Florida. So literally, from sea to shining sea, we, as queer people, do not have the same rights as straight people. We cannot choose to marry another consenting adult as well as adopt a child with our partner, just on the basis of them being of the same-sex. We are not considered equal; we are treated as second class citizens.

Ironically enough, also this week, I learned that my favorite show, Grey's Anatomy, fired unexpectedly the incredibly talented actress Brooke Smith from her role as Dr. Erica Hahn. Now, usually this wouldn't upset and anger me so much, as it is just a television show. However, this was the only positive semi-realistic portrayal of a lesbians on primetime network television. And, although queers as a whole only represent about 10% of the total population in the US, 0% representation in the media does not equal 10%.

On top of this, this is not the first time ABC/Disney has done something like this in terms of showing and promoting gay stereotypes and furthering homophobic practices and ideas. Trust me, I wanted to quit my job, because I was that livid about this. And, if you know me at all, I must think something is pretty unjust for me to risk my job for.

All of these things, in addition to other examples, have really opened my eyes to what a close-minded and hateful society we still live in 2008. I don't want to have to wait another 100 years before queers get the same God-given rights not only here but all over the world. We all deserve the rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of regression as opposed to progression. I'm tired of lies. I'm ready for a change- a real change. Let's be the revolution today!