I am

I am.
I am your daughter.
I am your grand-daughter.
I am your niece.
I am your cousin.
I am your sister.
I am your neighbor.
I am your friend.
I am your employee.
I am a Christain.
I am a citizen.
I am an Oregonian.
I am an American.
I may be a lesbian,
but I am also a human.
I just am.

A Connection

A Connection


You see into the depths of my soul,
making me feel like a newborn foal.
I tell you things that nobody knows,
melting away years of cold winter snows.
You make me laugh and cry out in joy,
I feel like a kid with a new Christmas toy.
I feel this real connection with you.
Is this something I've waited for? Is it true?
How can this be? Why do I feel this way?
What do you feel? And, Will you stay?

I see leaves!

The revolution is beginning today. Stay tuned for more information.

Bittersweetness...

Today was bittersweet.

So the American election was today, and Obama won! Woot!

However, today reminded me how long large scale societal changes really take. Brown V. the Board of Education was in 1954, but we are just now getting our first African American president in 2008.

A further and more personal reminder is the 4 state ballot measures across the country dealing with LGBQT Rights, including Prop. 8 in California and Prop. 2 in Florida. So literally, from sea to shining sea, we, as queer people, do not have the same rights as straight people. We cannot choose to marry another consenting adult as well as adopt a child with our partner, just on the basis of them being of the same-sex. We are not considered equal; we are treated as second class citizens.

Ironically enough, also this week, I learned that my favorite show, Grey's Anatomy, fired unexpectedly the incredibly talented actress Brooke Smith from her role as Dr. Erica Hahn. Now, usually this wouldn't upset and anger me so much, as it is just a television show. However, this was the only positive semi-realistic portrayal of a lesbians on primetime network television. And, although queers as a whole only represent about 10% of the total population in the US, 0% representation in the media does not equal 10%.

On top of this, this is not the first time ABC/Disney has done something like this in terms of showing and promoting gay stereotypes and furthering homophobic practices and ideas. Trust me, I wanted to quit my job, because I was that livid about this. And, if you know me at all, I must think something is pretty unjust for me to risk my job for.

All of these things, in addition to other examples, have really opened my eyes to what a close-minded and hateful society we still live in 2008. I don't want to have to wait another 100 years before queers get the same God-given rights not only here but all over the world. We all deserve the rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of regression as opposed to progression. I'm tired of lies. I'm ready for a change- a real change. Let's be the revolution today!

the 5 w's and h

who will love me for me?
what is keeping me here?
where am i supposed to be instead?
when will i change myself for the better?
why are we so afraid of living?
how do we go from here to there whilst remembering the 5 w's and h?

Between Friends

I'm working on a novel. Here's what I have done so far.

Between Friends

People say that you are not a true Oregonian unless you can travel through its rain without an umbrella. It was only December, though, and Sammie was already growing weary of the almost constant downpour. Sammie was a petite yet round young woman in her early twenties. Her long, wavy brown hair had bits of red in it, letting others remember that she could sometimes be emotional. A hopeless romantic at heart, Sammie's bedroom walls were plastered with posters of John Cusack movies, photographs of Paris, and prints of the Impressionist masters. Sammie wanted everything in her life to be beautiful and peaceful. This led her three best friends to label her as the eternal optimist of the group, because she always expected goodness, like hers, in others. This cold, rainy Monday morning Sammie was on her way to meet her friends for lunch at a neighborhood sandwich shop.

Quietly, Sammie entered the busy shop, heading towards their usual spot in the corner booth. The booth gave the group much more privacy than the rest of the shop allowed. Sammie chuckled to herself as she saw Amber was already there, enthralled by a new book. Amber worked in the financial district so she was always on time, even a little early, for everything. Amber was the shortest of the group with light brown hair which was almost always pulled back in a tight ponytail. Unlike Sammie, Amber was more logical and more often than not followed her head rather than her heart. Amber could seem a bit cold at times to those who did not know her well, but she was just addressing the situation at hand. The only decision Amber could make consistently was that she would change her mind.

It wasn't until Sammie sat down in the booth that Amber tore her eyes away from her treasure. “Hey Amber! How are you?” asked Sammie.

Amber just rolled her eyes in a half annoyed and half teasing way. “I'm doing alright. How about yourself?”

Sammie stuck out her tongue. “The usual. Work is going well. I just wish I would finally get a raise,” Sammie complained. It had been over a year since she had gotten her last one, and that had been after she had worked at the daycare for a year and half first. It's not that Sammie didn't enjoy her job at the daycare. Actually, this was the most fulfilling job that Sammie had ever had. But, this job didn't really pay enough to pay the bills always. Sometimes, she even found that it was not worth all the extra stress and effort she had to put into it.

“You really should look into finding something else. Something that pays better, Sammie,” Amber said concerned.

“I know,” Sammie sheepishly said, shrugging her shoulders.

“Hi you two!” yelped Helen. At 5'10”, Helen was the tallest of the group with green eyes and long red hair. She worked testing computer games. Like most things in her life, this job was something that Helen was naturally good at and just kind of fell into her lap. Helen was like the mother hen of the group. “How are you dearies doing?”

“Good,” they both chimed. Sammie just gave a dorky grin, while Amber rolled her eyes.

“You know, Amber, if you roll your eyes any farther back I think you could see me,” chimed in Tonie. Tonie was the philosopher of the gang, being able to at the same time look at and understand both sides of an argument. The others considered Tonie the moral compass. Tonie was average height for a woman with short, blond hair. She was fit and athletic from the years she played soccer.

Tonie's comment made Sammie and Helen laugh, while Amber just crossed her arms. “Hey, I was only kidding,” defended Tonie. With that, Amber uncrossed her arms and scooted over to make room for Tonie to sit down. “Now that's better. Ugh. I'm so glad it's Friday finally.”
“We are, too,” agreed the three others. Friday nights were the girls' nights together. These nights began with drinks at the Rush, a local club notorious for their strong drinks and attractive patrons. After a few drinks, the girls would head over to one of their places to watch movies, eat greasy delivery pizza, and catch up with each other.

And, this week was no different. The girls got right into the club since they were regulars. Plus, Tonie had briefly dated the handsome bouncer, Mark. They had only been together for a few months, but Tonie broke it off once Mark got too attached. Mark believed that he could “win” back Tonie by letting her and her pals go ahead of the other club goers. Mark looked at Tonie and gave her a little grin.

“Tonie, you really should put him out of his misery,” said Amber.

“Yeah, he looks like a little, cute puppy,” giggled Sammie.

“And, loose our awesome 'skip the long ass line' ticket?” asked Tonie. “No way.”

“Yeah. You're totally right,” they all said together, stifling laughter as they passed Mark.

Rap: Cat on the Prowl

Here's a rap I made for the contest for the vlog Cat on the Prowl on AfterEllen.com. Enjoy!

Yo, watch Cat on the Prowl
as she makes the ladies howl.
She is so very funny
and is as sweet as honey.
When she cruises 'round in Kevyn,
she'll make you feel you're in heaven.
From New York and Paris to Portland and LA,
whether you're black or white, straight or gay,
Cat will make you shout!
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
So, check out Cat on the Prowl
or else you're just foul.
Peace.

Some poems and songs

"begin" 06.24.08

where to begin?
perhaps the beginning
rain pouring
driving fast
darkness around
looking at you
and just suddenly knowing
like a bolt of lightning
through me,
entirely changing me
forever
and of
us laughing
us
flash foward
like a flood
to us
no longer us
but were we ever "us"?
we could've been
if you could
only let yourself
feel
what i
feel
i know it's true
because i'm never sure
but this time
i am
so how then
can something i'm so decisive about
be
completely and utterly
wrong?
it's not wrong
in any sense
you try tell me that it all
meant nothing to you
like i'm nothing but
another conquest
to make me feel
ashamed
but you know what?
i'm not
if i could it all over again
i would still
love you
madly, deeply, completely,
head over heels
i've already admitted
that i won't find anything
like what could've been
i am confident
but
you are not
and actions
speak louder
than words
than the lies you tell me,
try to make me believe
because you're
running,
running from me
into men,
poor substitutions
of me,
trying to prove that you're
not who i know you are
and who i am, too
searching, hiding
denying,
what's real
what's true
you may come close,
but nothing will ever
compare,
nothing will be the
same
to what could've been
so you and i should
just
go back and
begin
but this time
together.


"I forget" 06.07.08 at 3am

I'm drunk.
I will forget tonight.
drinking too many tasty concoctions.
the sweaty, sexy dancing.
talking too loud and too fast.
the money I spent.
But, I wish
I could forget you.
your sweet, sugary lips.
your soft, silky skin.
The way your eyes twinkle
when you think of anyone
but me.
that there's nobody I'd
rather fight with.
that you always push me
to be greater than
I am.
that you've changed me
forever.
But most of all,
I wish
I could forget that
I love you.
I'm drunk on you.


"I would" 04.16.08
I would lasso the moon for you.
I would hold you tenderly in my warm arms.
I would gather all the stars from the great black abyss for you.
I would kiss your sweet lips over and over.
I would walk the world for you.
I would hold your hair back for you when you were sick.
I would give you all of me- my beating heart, my passionate soul, my soft body, everything.
I would give you all of these things, and so much more.
But, I know that the only thing that matters, true happiness, I could never give you.
And, the only thing that I really want from you, all of your heart, I could never get.
So, I would live a lonely lifetime without you.



"Imagine" 04.12.08
I imagine our tongues intertwine
like juicy red vines.
I imagine my hand caressing your
sweet body until you soar.
I imagine my lips tracing the words
"I love you" until I'm cured.
I imagine you loving me, too
in a way that's so true.
I imagine the rain
covering all my pain.
I imagine no more tears
and being with you for years.
You say it's not me, but I don't believe you.
So, I just imagine.


"Freaking Out"
I watch you sleep, wondering if you're dreaming of me.
It freaks you out.
I look longingly into your eyes, as though my passion will pierce your soul.
It freaks you out.
I want to romance and woo you, to prove to you that your worth it.
It freaks you out.
I am perfectly content just laying there, holding you in my arms, to protect you, to cherish you, to keep you and never let you go, to just be and forget the rush and worry of the world.
It freaks you out.
I freak you out.



"A Moment"
A sweet sugary scent seduces me,
again
and
again.
There is an earlier time.
When I gently brushed
your silky hair out of your face,
placing the delicate strands behind your ear.
I stopped to touch your soft cheeks,
my fingers tracing small circles.
Like a child ice skating,
I was afraid of slipping and hurting myself.
Then, your eyes looked into mine.
I was captivated and comforted.
Time stopped.
Wet and warm,
electricity exchanged as our lips met.
Quickly and quietly,
it
ended.


“Versus”
You think that I'm naïve. Maybe I am. But, maybe you are too cynical.
You think that I'm too fricking chipper. Maybe I am. But, maybe you are too sad.
You think that I'm unrestrained at times. Maybe I am. But, maybe you are too afraid to be free.
You think that I'm seeing you in an unrealistic way. Maybe I am. But, maybe I just don't talk about the negative things.
You think that I'm being used by you. Maybe I am. But, maybe I give you things that I've always really wanted to.
You think that I'm hopelessly trying. Maybe I am. But, maybe you should look deep inside and really try.
You think that I'm not what you want. Maybe I am. But, maybe I'm just what you need.


“Sweet Dreams are Made of These”

Your lines of a haiku
waft
through
the air,
suddenly jolting my soul.
I remember moments
of uncensored passion.
Of tumbling and touching and tenderness.
Of innocence and intrigue.
Of wonder and warmth.
Why do these times seem as though
they were just dreams?
You wanted me then,
but now you just
want
me
to

go.


"You"
Like a moth to a flaming fire, your ruby lips beckon me.
Like the seven sparkling seas, I get lost in your eyes.
Your hips hypnotize me the way they sway.
You come close enough for me to take you in, and I remember your gentle touch.
Your shiny smile warms my lonely life.
Like rivers of smoothly melted chocolate, your silky hair flows gently down your back.
Like satin sheets, your soft skin brushes mine ever so slightly, making me want to be wrapped up and tangled in you.
Like a great work of art, you leave me in breathless awe.


"Once" 09.16.07
Once you looked at me,
I knew.
Once you touched me,
I flew.
Once you laughed,
I melted.
Once our minds crossed,
I felt it.

Once you kiss me,
you'll know.
Once you open up,
you'll flow.
Once you let it happen,
you'll fall.
Once you see me differently,
you'll call.

"Strange" 09.15.07
Life is strange
because it turns out
how I expect

Love is strange
because it never comes
when I want.

Friendship is strange
because it never seems
to last forever.

Family is strange
because it never chose me;
I chose.

You are strange
because you never see me
that way.

I am strange
because I care for you
when I shouldn't.


"Jesus and Me" 02.12.07
I fall.
Tears fall.
Blood's shed.
He rises.
I rise
and live.

"More Than Her" (a song) 02.05.07

What's the big deal?
Why is everyone so crazy
about her?
Who's idea was it?
How come she is everywhere you look?
Why is there no escape?
I want something more than her.


She has her nails down everyone's back,
all over the world,
since the dawn of man.
She is lustful
causing so much confusion.
I want something more than her.


I've had enough of this captivation.
I want a different motivation
for life.
I need a change.
Don't you?
I want something more than her.

Chorus:
More than lies,
More than pain.
Something truer,
Something greater,
Something we were created for.
I want something more than her.

"Maybe" (a song) 02.05.07

Maybe love is over-rated.
Or maybe you're just
Lonely.
Maybe crying is for the weak.
Or maybe you're just
Tired of smiling through the pain.

Maybe oh maybe

Maybe the world is out of control
Or maybe you're just
Afraid.
Maybe life is just a joke.
Or maybe you're just
Not living.


Maybe oh maybe


Chourus:
But, maybe,
Just maybe,
There's a better way.
And that there's hope
For you
And me
And everyone.
All you gotta do is believe.


"Pas vous? (Won't You?)" 11.05.06


Votre sourire fond (your smile melts)
un coeur glacial (an icy heart)
comme (like)
chaleur du soleil. (heat from the sun)
Ne sourirez-vous pas à moi ? (won't you smile at me?)

Vos yeux sont (your eyes are)
profonds et mystérieux (deep and mysterious)
comme (like)
l'océan. (the ocean)
Ne regarderez-vous pas dans le mien ? (won't you look into mine?)

Vos bras s'étendent (your arms streach)
autour de moi (around me)
comme (like)
couverture chaude. (a warm blanket)
Ne me toucherez-vous pas ? (won't you touch me?)


Vos lèvres m'appellent, (your lips call me)
dodus et juteux (plump and wet)
comme (like)
pomme rouge. (a red apple)
Ne m'embrasserez-vous pas ? (won't you kiss me?)

Vous êtes quelqu'un (you are someone)
de que j'ai (who I)
besoin et veux. (need and want)
Ne me désirez-vous pas aussi ? (Don't you desire me, too?)


"My Soul Aches" 09.29.06

In my life,
there's so much strife.
This cross I'm bearin'
is greatly tearin'
me up inside
and I sit and cry,
because...

Chorus:
My soul aches
to see Your face.
Life seems to take
such a slow pace
until I can
see You,
the greatest Man
the world ever knew.

At night, I pray
and You say,
"Come here, my child,
sit and be mild.
You're lookin' for a sign?
Just know you're mine!"
because...

Repeat chorus

So, now I feel safe and sound
that my ant hill isn't a giant mound
of unbearable sadness and pain.
Instead, Your kindness I gain.
I must make the most of
this life and Your unending love,
because...

Repeat Chorus 2X

My soul no longer aches
to see Your face.
Life seems to take
such a fast pace
until I can
see wonderful You,
the greatest Man
I ever knew.


"Just You" 03.16.06

I walk down the long, quiet street.
No one is here with me
but You.
I feel the cool, calming breeze
that's you.

Chorus: Others may try to explain this mess
of a world around me.
They think that I make no sense,
that I'm crazy.
But, I know that it's true;
it's just you.

I sit and look at the bright stars
away from the city lights, cars, and bars
with You.
I ponder life with the love and safety of the moon
that's you.

Repeat Chorus

When I'm running with
tears streaming down my face, I've
already won the race
because of You.
People may say it's just the rain,
but I know
that it's you.

Repeat Chorus 2X

Childhood Flashback

Came across this at work today on my break. Lolz...I have a dirty mind.
MY LITTLE PONY CRAWLING NEWBORN PINKIE PIE
Press this sweet pony figures back and watch her crawl her way over to you and right into your heart!

My Little Pony Pinkie Pie Pony Jumbo Plush
Every day is full of surprises for this young pony. PINKIE PIE loves to spend part of every day trying something she's never tried before!


Hasbro Play-Doh: My Little Pony Pinkie Pie Pretty Parlor Playset
Help Pinkie Pie look her very best when you "grow", cut and style her mane and tail.

The Perfect Kiss: A short descriptive piece

well, first of all it would be best if it was with someone I cared for. I think physical intimacy is all the more enjoyable and special if you have that emotional/intellectual intimacy to begin with.

The location of said kiss is also important. I, for one, am a sucker for romance. Now, it doesn't have to be any kind of big ordeal. Spontanity works wonders. Perhaps, a midnight picnic under the stars. We are both sitting together in a big open clearing in the forest on a nice big blanket. We eat together some delicious food that I have prepared, including feeding eachother some nice, juicy chocolate covered strawberries. I gently wipe away the juice that is dripping down your mouth with my soft fingers (just to tease you a little).

Then, I cuddle up behind you closely, wrapping the blanket up around us. As we look at the black, sparkling sky, we suddenly see a shooting star. I close my eyes tightly and make a wish. You ask me quietly what I wished for. Without a word, I slowly breathe with my warm breath on your cold neck.

Next, I delicately turn you to face me as I am kissing from the back of your neck to the front. I pull back and look deeply into your eyes for a moment, getting lost inside. I smile just a little grin and pull you close to me as our lips meet in a sweet yet sensual dance. I then brush my cheek softly against yours for a minute. I hear your breathe quicken, so I plant little kisses all over your face, on your forehead, cheeks, eyelids, nose, and finally again on your mouth. Once there, the kissing gets more intense and passionate. I trace the contours of your lips with my tongue until they part and our tongues gently and then intensely tangle and intertwine together until we cannot breath. We breathlessly part and I go back to holding you from behind as before.

I whisper into your ear that that was what I wished for, with a devilish grin on my face and sending shivers up and down your back.